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Our most recent national newsletter, “Naturally Naturist,” publishes once a month, once a quarter, or whenever the secretary is actually sober enough to produce it. Herewith is our current issue.
Minutes of February Board meeting:
-The meeting of the Board of the International Association of Fully Clothed Naturists was called to order via phone by our esteemed founder, Mr. John Bloomington, PhD, DDS, MFA, COD, who is currently in Barbados performing, quote, “very, very important Association research.”
-Mr. Bloomington hung up on the Board immediately thereafter when his cocktail arrived.
- Vice Undersecretary Treasurer-General Peramus reported on his preliminary meeting with the Prime Minister regarding our efforts in moving forward with official recognition of World International Association of Fully Clothed Naturists Day.
Mr. Peramus reports that the Prime Minister seems to be “a very jolly fellow, seemingly in constant good spirits.”
“He kept laughing,” Mr. Permaus said.
-Vice-President Fred Mulany presented a motion to form a committee to appoint a panel to undertake a task force to investigate requiring all members to fill out application forms in
-Everybody told Mr. Mulany to shut up.
-Mulany burst into tears and ran from the room.
-Ms. Amy Malta, First Officer of Shoes, arrived late, citing a “Velcro emergency.”
-Ms. Jeannette Stauffer presented several excellent ideas on streamlining the structure of the International Association of Fully Clothed Naturists.
-Mr. Amy Malta attempted to nominate Ms. Stauffer for a Not Hardly Naked! Excellence Award
-Everyone realized that they had no idea who the hell Ms. Jeannette Stauffer was.
-Mr. Adam Fleet, Treasurer and Alternate Bracelet and Accessories Officer, reported on his ongoing attempts to work with NASA in obtaining research on how nudists behave in space when naked beneath clothing. Mr. Fleet continues to address difficulties in reaching high-ranking officials within the organization, an issue he refers to as “the hanging up on me problem.”
-Ms. Beverly Ames, Super-Duper Vice Secretary to the President’s Cat, suggests that the Board take immediate action to rectify the issue.
-The meeting adjourned to the pub down the street.
Thought For the Day
If you’re wearing clothes, and everyone else around you is wearing clothes, but you secretly wish that you weren’t wearing clothes…are you, in fact, actually wearing clothes? Discuss.
Member News
Our members aren’t doing anything of note, really.
Cruise Details
Plans are quickly coalescing for our first-ever IAFCN cruise! We have rented an entire deck of the magnificent Floating Tub for a two-day, three-night cruise through Key West, Cuba, Nassau, Miami, Freeport, the Virgin Islands, the Panama Canal, Iowa, and Alaska. Thanks to the Bloomington Travel Agency for its esteemable work in arranging the details! Cabins are a mere $42.50 per adult. Each square foot of water through which the ship travels, however, is liable to taxation of $239,862,532 per gallon. Hurry and make your reservation before the trip of a Naturalist lifetime slips through your gloved fingers!
New Members
Let us welcome to our Naturalist ranks Ms. Joanna Suvenns, who hails from the United States. Ms. Suvenns joined last month in a fit of self-actualization and a frantic attempt to fill in the two remaining blank spaces on the “Activities” block on her resume. She is a human resources specialist who is seeking a new career in, quote, “something that doesn’t make me want to gouge my own eyes out with a corkscrew.” Welcome, Joanna!
Mr. Robert Barrington of the UK is also new to the Association. Mr. Barrington is the author of several greeting cards, some of which you may have seen in a stationery shop near you. “You know the Mother’s Day one? With the two bears on the front? And the pink envelope? That was totally me,” says Robert. We are honored to have someone of your creative caliber bearing the IAFCN name on your bum!
The sisters Hollander, (Patrice and Kathleen), are welcome additions from Australia. Our first members from Down Under! G’day, ladies! Ms. Hollander is a secretary. Ms. Hollander is also a secretary.
Another first for IAFCN--we’ve had two members join as a couple! Big Naturist hugs to Mr. and Mrs. Kalvelage of Twoeigtfewnfaistan. The Kalvelage’s lovely homeland, formerly a member of the USSR, has changed governmental hands at least seventeen times since their membership form arrived, so we aren’t sure if they have not in fact been rounded into communist worker camps, but we can share the thrilling fact that Mrs. Kalvelage enjoys knitting. Cheers to you two crazy kids!
Last but not least, Mrs. Jacinta Bordellas of Greenland joined because, apparently, there’s nothing else to do in Greenland. That’s the IAFCN spirit, Jacinta!
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