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Welcome to the website of the International Association of Fully Clothed Naturists, your home for all your clothing-restricted needs. We are so pleased that out of the millions of websites for Fully Clothed Naturists, you chose to visit ours.
When I first founded IAFCN, I heard the cry of suppressed nudists everywhere: “John,” they said, “John, you must heed the aching need of those of us who yearn to be nude! And yet fully clothed!”
“Also,” they added, “you should charge us very large sums of money to join.”
Long and potentially prosecutable story short, that’s where we are today—naked but robed; fulfilled but delicate; proud but supremely stupid. The International Association of Fully Clothed Naturists now boasts up to fourteen people in over sixty nations, only one-third of which are not currently run by a warlord on the Terror Watch List of the United States Government. We are growing, always growing! And now we offer an official website, which as we all know is the world’s one-way ticket to full societal legitimacy.
This little nudie home on the web is just the first of many exciting projects we at IAFCN are eager to launch. Keep checking back for further information on our attempts to found World International Association of Fully Clothed Naturists Day, to be celebrated by encouraging all of humanity to show their support for our cause by wearing clothes. We’re also working on aligning with UAFCN, the Universal Association of Fully Clothed Naturists, so as to pre-establish friendly relations with naturalist extraterrestrials during and after intergalactic invasion, should it occur. Our signature clothing line, “I Am, Technically, Naked!” will soon appear on the clearance racks of Wal-Marts across the United States. And don’t forget that we’re still looking for composers for our Official Theme Song (current working title: “Think Nude…Dress Nude…Be Nude…But Not Really.”)
All these salvos into the mainstream are ever-closer steps to our ultimate goal: Fully accepted nudism for those who are just too damn early to appear naked in public. And to those who visit this site with a hostile sense of curiosity: Judge us not. Fully Clothed Naturists are all around you. You may be one! Your spouse may be one! I may be one! (But not bloody likely.)
I am proud to serve as your founder…your conscience…your friend. It is with great humility that I claim the title as the world’s leading expert in wearing clothes while naked. But do not laden me with thanks, gentle Fully Clothed Naturists; laden me with cash, piles and piles of cash.
Very, very truly yours,
Mr. John Bloomington, PhD, DDS, MFA, COD
Somewhere in my obscenely appointed yacht on the Mediterranean
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