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Our most recent national
newsletter, “Naturally Naturist,” publishes once a month, once a quarter, or
whenever the secretary is actually sober enough to produce it. Herewith is
our current issue.
Minutes of February Board
meeting:
-The meeting of the Board of the
International Association of Fully Clothed Naturists was called to order via
phone by our esteemed founder, Mr. John Bloomington, PhD, DDS, MFA, COD, who
is currently in Barbados performing, quote, “very, very important
Association research.”
-Mr. Bloomington hung up on the
Board immediately thereafter when his cocktail arrived.
- Vice Undersecretary
Treasurer-General Peramus reported on his preliminary meeting with the Prime
Minister regarding our efforts in moving forward with official recognition
of World International Association of Fully Clothed Naturists Day.
Mr. Peramus reports that the
Prime Minister seems to be “a very jolly fellow, seemingly in constant good
spirits.”
“He kept laughing,” Mr. Permaus
said.
-Vice-President Fred Mulany
presented a motion to form a committee to appoint a panel to undertake a
task force to investigate requiring all members to fill out application
forms in
-Everybody told Mr. Mulany to
shut up.
-Mulany burst into tears and ran
from the room.
-Ms. Amy Malta, First Officer of
Shoes, arrived late, citing a “Velcro emergency.”
-Ms. Jeannette Stauffer presented
several excellent ideas on streamlining the structure of the International
Association of Fully Clothed Naturists.
-Mr. Amy Malta attempted to
nominate Ms. Stauffer for a Not Hardly Naked! Excellence Award
-Everyone realized that they had
no idea who the hell Ms. Jeannette Stauffer was.
-Mr. Adam Fleet, Treasurer and
Alternate Bracelet and Accessories Officer, reported on his ongoing attempts
to work with NASA in obtaining research on how nudists behave in space when
naked beneath clothing. Mr. Fleet continues to address difficulties in
reaching high-ranking officials within the organization, an issue he refers
to as “the hanging up on me problem.”
-Ms. Beverly Ames, Super-Duper
Vice Secretary to the President’s Cat, suggests that the Board take
immediate action to rectify the issue.
-The meeting adjourned to the pub
down the street.
Thought For the Day
If you’re wearing clothes, and
everyone else around you is wearing clothes, but you secretly wish that you
weren’t wearing clothes…are you, in fact, actually wearing clothes?
Discuss.
Member News
Our members aren’t doing anything
of note, really.
Cruise Details
Plans are quickly coalescing for
our first-ever IAFCN cruise! We have rented an entire deck of the
magnificent Floating Tub for a two-day, three-night cruise through Key West,
Cuba, Nassau, Miami, Freeport, the Virgin Islands, the Panama Canal, Iowa,
and Alaska. Thanks to the Bloomington Travel Agency for its esteemable work
in arranging the details! Cabins are a mere $42.50 per adult. Each square
foot of water through which the ship travels, however, is liable to taxation
of $239,862,532 per gallon. Hurry and make your reservation before the trip
of a Naturalist lifetime slips through your gloved fingers!
New Members
Let us welcome to our Naturalist
ranks Ms. Joanna Suvenns, who hails from the United States. Ms.
Suvenns joined last month in a fit of self-actualization and a frantic
attempt to fill in the two remaining blank spaces on the “Activities” block
on her resume. She is a human resources specialist who is seeking a new
career in, quote, “something that doesn’t make me want to gouge my own eyes
out with a corkscrew.” Welcome, Joanna!
Mr. Robert Barrington of
the UK is also new to the Association. Mr. Barrington is the author of
several greeting cards, some of which you may have seen in a stationery shop
near you. “You know the Mother’s Day one? With the two bears on the
front? And the pink envelope? That was totally me,” says Robert. We are
honored to have someone of your creative caliber bearing the IAFCN name on
your bum!
The sisters Hollander, (Patrice
and Kathleen), are welcome additions from Australia. Our first
members from Down Under! G’day, ladies! Ms. Hollander is a
secretary. Ms. Hollander is also a secretary.
Another first for IAFCN--we’ve
had two members join as a couple! Big Naturist hugs to Mr. and Mrs.
Kalvelage of Twoeigtfewnfaistan. The Kalvelage’s lovely
homeland, formerly a member of the USSR, has changed governmental hands at
least seventeen times since their membership form arrived, so we aren’t sure
if they have not in fact been rounded into communist worker camps, but we
can share the thrilling fact that Mrs. Kalvelage enjoys knitting.
Cheers to you two crazy kids!
Last but not least, Mrs.
Jacinta Bordellas of Greenland joined because, apparently, there’s
nothing else to do in Greenland. That’s the IAFCN spirit, Jacinta!
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