The truth about men : understanding your husband

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Things you’ll never hear a man say:-

I’d rather go shopping with you than watch the big football match.

I’ve got no idea how to fix the central heating.

Isn’t Valentine’s Day so romantic.

Does my bum look big in this.

Let’s spend the whole evening talking just about us.

I don’t want sex – can you just hold me and tell me you care.

Tell me all about your day. Then I’ll tell you all about mine.



The expression, “Silence is golden” was first thought of by a man but first uttered by a woman.


Male speech is minimalist. It has no place for the twists and turns, the flowery imagery and innuendo that embellishes the speech of females. Shortly after meeting a woman in a club a man is likely to say ‘Let’s go to my place and have sex’ A woman compensates for the man’s lack of language skills by filling in the blanks. She will know that what he is trying to say in his pathetic little way is ‘I am a desperately lonely slob with absolutely no social graces but having consumed eight pints of beer I have plucked up the courage to come over and talk to you and make a complete fool of myself.’



No man has ever bought himself potpourri or scented candles.



The ‘Centre for Approximate Guesses’ located in Glasgow, Scotland have shown that when a woman is suffering from PMT her partner is:

            100 times less likely to have sex

            10 times more likely to get a black eye

            20 times more likely to have to work late at the office.


A man’s fix for every problem:-

Don’t worry.

It won’t happen.

Forget about it.

But we do talk!

That’s not what I meant!

I was not looking at that girl in the skimpy red lycra top . . .

Of course I care – didn’t I once buy you flowers?


Top Five Things Men Know About Women

After years of research carried out by the world’s leading philosophers, psychologists and philatelists it can finally be revealed that the Top Five Things Men Know About Women are :-

1. Nothing!
2. Nothing!
3. Nothing!

4. Nothing!

5. Nothing!



A recent study by ‘The Centre for Approximate Guesses’ located in Glasgow, Scotland, revealed that the average number of words spoken per day is 24,321 for women and 48 for men. When you subtract the everyday phrases uttered by every man, ‘Where’s my tie?’ ‘Is my shirt ironed?’ and ‘what’s for dinner?’ this leaves just six words to see him through the whole day.


Copyright Stuart Macfarlane



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