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TO ANNOY YOUR BOSS
The General Delivery University
Department of Work Avoidance has compiled this Guide on How to Annoy Your
Boss. Our faculty is expert as this subject, as they have all been fired
from numerous institutions of higher and lower education.
DON'T SHOW UP ON TIME: Bosses
usually like their employees to show up on time...say at 8 AM. Never turn
up at your work place until at least an hour after you were supposed to be
there. Explain that you have difficulty in waking up before 9. Please
note: if you are working at a job where they don't seem to notice you
being late, keep the job.
LEAVE EARLY: A companion to showing
up late, always leave work early. Thus, an eight hour work day can be
trimmed to at least 6 hours. It is especially important to leave early
enough to avoid last minute crisis around the work place. This especially
TAKE LONG LUNCHES. The long lunch
is a tradition on Wall Street, and you can see the result if your life
savings is in mutual funds. Leave around 11 AM and wander back into the
work place around 2:30. And bring your lunch back with you. With the
combination of arriving late, leaving early, and taking long lunches you
can get at least 2 hours of work time per day.
HARASS YOUR FELLOW EMPLOYEES: Show
up nude to work.
EXHIBIT UNPLEASANT HABITS: Smoking
will usually work. If you don't smoke, try eating peanuts and leaving the
shells all around you. Getting up and scratching your butt also works.
PRETEND YOU DON'T SPEAK THE
LANGUAGE: A lack of comprehension of any spoken language will irritate
most anyone. Then again, in most government jobs, fluency in any language
is not required.
START LOTS OF RUMORS: Everyone
hates a gossip, so start as many rumors about your boss as possible.
FALL DOWN: Even though companies
are supposed to avoid discriminating against handicapped people, they
don't want to pay large health insurance premiums. Fall down a lot,
especially during routine errands like going for a drink.
BREAK EQUIPMENT: Companies invest
tons of money in computers and other equipment. Use a hammer to change the
toner cartridge. Put magnets on top of your computer.
FILL YOUR DESK UP WITH PERSONAL
ITEMS: To get work done, you must have a clean desk. Fill your desk with
pictures of your kids, dogs, cats and relatives. Build a small shrine to
the Virgin of Guadalupe, complete with candles.
REFUSE TO CARRY A CELL PHONE OR
BEEPER: Many businesses wish to stay in contact with you when you are not
at the work place. NEVER LET THEM DO THIS! Being in instant communication
with your work place means more work. Sooner or later they will want to
get hold of you, and won't be able to. This will make them mad.
WHEN THERE IS A CRISIS...HIDE:
Being around when things get sticky is the way to success. As soon as a
crisis breaks out, hide in the bathroom, or just go home.
MESS UP REPORTS WITH NUMBERS: Stick
random numbers into any report that requires numbers.
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