|Weird Web Sites - The Weirdest Collection||How to win friends and influence people - Parody Part 2|
How to Win Friends and Influence People - A Parody
How to Win Friends and Influence People - A Parody
Copyright Stuart Macfarlane
Big Trick in Exploiting People.
You can Fool All of the People All of the Time )”
is only one way to get people to do what you want. Let me repeat that,
underlined and in large bold type for dramatic effect. There
is only one way to get people to do what you want.
That’s right! There is only one way - you must make them think that by
doing what you want they will get what they want. There is absolutely no
other way - well apart from hypnosis, mind control, bribery, threat and
force. But those are advanced techniques outwith the scope of this book (
watch out for the follow up book, “How to Win Enemies by the
Simple use of Hypnosis, Mind Control, Bribery, Threat and Force.” ) So
staying with our basic techniques, the only way I can get you to do
something is to make you think that you will benefit from doing it. For,
like me, you are extremely selfish, conceited and greedy and will thus do
anything to get what you want. To have control over someone you first need
to know what their desires are. You must discover what they really want.
With this knowledge you have the power to exploit them - for you know that
they will do anything
to get what they want.
Fraud, achieved fame and fortune by claiming that everything you and I do
is driven by two motives - the desire for sex and the desire to be great
at sex. But Fraud was wrong –
The sex urge is not strong. In fact most people would rather have a
hamburger than sex (we will ignore, for now, those people who enjoy having
sex with hamburgers). A recent survey showed that 70% of aspirins are
taken by people who are pretending to have a headache in order to avoid
having sex with their partner. The upshot of this survey was that aspirin
manufacturers launched a mammoth advertising campaign which used the
slogan “Aspirin - your alternative contraceptive pill.”
People do not want to be great at sex ( right from their first
sexual encounters most people realise that the whole business is tedious
and stressful ) but what they do crave passionately is that others will
think that they are great lovers. A
man may be such a pathetic lover that his partner reads, watches
television and has root canal surgery during sex. He may be so inept that
he even fakes his own orgasms. But if his mates greet him with “Here
comes Super Stud” when he walks into his local pub he will be blissfully
was actually Fraud’s wife Nympho who summed up what really motivates
people when she said of her husband, “He doesn’t actually believe any
of this sex nonsense he talks about all the time. But he does know that
his theories cause great controversy and thus make him rich and famous.
Like all men he’s much better at talking about sex than performing
then do people want? What are their greatest needs? In the 1960’s
Abraham Maslow made a study of human psychology and developed his
‘hierarchy of needs.’ He postulated that there are basic physiological
needs which must be satisfied - preservation of life, adequate food, a
safe place to live ( preferably on a tropical beach surrounded by palm
trees ) and sexual fulfilment. He conjectured that until a person has
satisfied these basic needs he will be unable to pursue the higher desires
of love, self respect and the need to feel important. Maslow claimed that
“Until you know your life is not in danger, have had a decent Chinese
meal, a few pints of Guiness and have partaken of your congenital rights
you will have absolutely no interest in the score in the local football
match.” When Maslow’s theory was first published it caused outrage and
great embarrassment to many football players who suddenly realised, half
way through a game, that they would be unable to continue playing unless
they immediately had sex.
has changed since Maslow devised his theory and in the Ego~Age this
hierarchy of needs has been turned completely upside down. Many would
argue that to feel important is now a much more fundamental need than life
itself. This longing to be important is what Fraud so eloquently described
as the “I’ve got a bigger penis than you” syndrome. Or as Mrs Fraud
wrote in a letter to her mum, “Sigy still shows no interest in sex. He
stays up all night playing with his theories. He passionately believes
that if he has bigger theories than all his friends he will be the most
important philosopher of all time.”
craving for importance sets us apart from the lowly animals. When I was a
young farm boy my daddy kept a rare breed of pedigree Smokey-Bacon pig. We
would travel all over the country to exhibit them at livestock shows.
Despite my father’s enthusiasm he never won a single prize. The problem
was that the pigs totally lacked ambition and had no desire to feel
important. Often they would turn up just as a show was about to begin
having spent the morning swigging beer and wallowing in the mud with their
mates. Their shabby appearance and rude gestures ensured that the judges
would not select them for prizes. The last straw came when they refused to
wear little pink ribbons on their ears and protested that no self
respecting pig would be seen dead with such adornments. The pigs didn’t
care about winning prizes - but father did - so he shot the pigs, bought a
little pig outfit for me and started exhibiting me at exhibitions. We were
hugely successful and won hundreds of prizes. Father felt incredibly
important and his success would have continued to flourish had it not been
for the incident when I had to share a pen with a particularly amorous
enormous hog. This incident left my father feeling quite disgraced but, I
must admit, gave me a rather smug feeling of importance. We never entered
another competition but the hog and I continue to exchange Christmas
our ancestors hadn’t felt the need to be considered important we would
never have become civilised and would never have developed the
sophistication which drives our desire to outdo our friends and neighbours
by having bigger houses, cars, televisions and paper clips. Recent
archeological finds have shown that as far back as Stone Age times Miss
World beauty contests were popular and that many contestants had breast
implants using large chunks of silicon rock in an attempt to win the
contests. This practice became so popular that soon there was a world wide
shortage of silicon. Ironically, this was the chief reason why the
electronic industry, dependent on silicon to make it’s ‘chips’, was
unable to develop properly until thousands of years later.
has also been discovered that the Great Wall of China was built by Wim Pay
and originally started as a twenty foot long garden wall. Wim began
building a wall around his garden but got so carried away, trying to
impress his neighbours, that he didn’t stop until it encompassed the
entire country. Unfortunately, Wim had not applied for planning permission
and was deported to England where he started a small house building
desire to feel important has inspired many people to overcome great
adversity and fulfill their dreams. It was such ambition that compelled the young Charles Duckhens. Charles was orphaned at
the age of two and left alone to struggle for survival by begging on the
streets of London. At the age
of sixty, despite being illiterate and dyslexic he laboured for ten years
to write his life story entitled “Oliver Tsiwt.” During these
torturous years he went completely without food using the few pennies he
received from begging to buy paper and pencils. When the manuscript was
finally completed he sent it off to a massive multinational publishing
corporation. Each day for the next nine months Charles paced up and down
in the cardboard box he called home anxiously awaiting a reply. Eventually
the post man arrived with a brown envelope. Eagerly Charles ripped it open
and found inside his manuscript, returned with the words “NO UNSOLICITED
MANUSCRIPTS ACCEPTED” stamped across the front page. Charles was
ecstatic - his ambition had been achieved - at last someone had taken the
trouble to write to him. He felt incredibly important.
things cause different people to feel important. Robin Hood for example
got his satisfaction from robbing the rich and giving to the poor. He was
so successful at this that soon the rich were poor and the poor were rich
and he had to start robbing the poor to give to the rich. Being a shrewd
businessman, as well as an accomplished outlaw, he kept 10% of all takings
and soon became incredibly rich himself. This caused a great dichotomy and
he eventually spent all his time robbing himself to give to himself.
young pop stars, according to P.C. P. C. Peesea, a former London police
constable, “Are on a perennial ego trip and will go to incredible
lengths to be arrested so that they can be photographed with well known
criminals.” There have been numerous cases where these stars blatantly
took drugs, committed sex offences and trashed hotels in order that they
could satisfy their burning desire to feel important by being arrested.
P.C. P. C. Peesea explained “Once securely locked up in prison,
alongside their favourite murderer or train robber, photo shoots and
exclusive interviews are arranged to ensure front page coverage in the
national papers.” This bizarre trend was confirmed by the Moderately
Good train robber Bonnie Riggs who exclaimed “I ain’t sayin nothin
till I see my lawyer.”
people frequently become invalids in order to gain sympathy and attention
(and good parking places at supermarkets and cinemas). Mr. I. Kanbrag, over a period of forty two hours,
painstakingly sawed off both of his arms and legs because his wife, in a
venomous display of disrespect, went off to the Bingo without waving
goodbye. This was a particularly difficult task for Kanbrag because like
all lawyers he was totally inept with any type of tool. He would have in
fact been able to do the job in a fraction of the time had he been smart
enough to use the sharp side of the saw and to cut off his legs before his
writer Mary Rhinoheart told me the story of a beautiful young woman who
became an invalid in order to feel important. For years the only thing of
importance in the young woman's life had been her beauty and she spent
eighteen hours each day attending to her looks. Then one morning she
spotted a freckle on her left cheek - an imperfection which she considered
spoiled her beauty completely. Her world was destroyed. Having lost her
pulchritude she needed to find some other way to feel important - she
became ill and took to her bed. Now she could feel important again by
having her 98 year old gran attend her every need. For the next ten years
her old blind gran, despite having only one leg, climbed the ninety
flights of stairs many times each day to tend to the young lady’s every
whim. Then one day the old gran, weary of the arduous service, had herself
transferred to a Russian Gulag where duties and conditions were less
severe. Devastated by this event the young invalid languished for several
moments and then arose from her bed. Looking in her mirror she realised
that the freckle was only a crumb of bread and wiping it away she resumed
her normal life once more.
Charles Schwib became president of the United States Stool Company in 1921
he was one of the first people to earn an annual salary of $1,000,000,
plus tips. This was a good salary in those days
- when average earnings were less than $1 per week and particularly
since the company had a turnover of less than $70,000 a year. Why was he
paid $3,000 a day ( $3,010 on days when tips were really good ) ? Not
because he was a genius and certainly not because his uncle owned the
company. Schwib had a talent. A talent that you too must nurture if you
wish to be successful. Schwib
admitted that the only reason that he was paid such an absorbitantly high
salary was because of his outstanding ability to deal effectively with
people. All his life he kept his methods secret only revealing them to me
on his deathbed. In his final exuberant words he told all. “I have a
special aptitude for arousing enthusiasm in people,” he gasped,
“My greatest asset is my ability to let people think that I am
interested in them and to make them feel that I appreciate them. This
makes them feel important and they will then do anything I ask. Sometimes
a worker would come to my office begging me to give him his first pay rise
in 10 years. He would tell me stories of how his family could not afford
food and would soon starve to death. By showing sympathy with his
situation, giving him a good pat on the back and telling him what a
wonderful job he was doing he would go away happy, feeling good about
himself, committed to working an extra 20 hours a week for a reduced
asked how other people could learn these methods, essential for survive in
the Ego~Age, he replied enthusiastically, “They must read that
marvellous book, ‘How to Win Enemies’
....... now please ..... please
let me have some water ........ aaaargh
torture me any more ..........
I’ve told you everything I can ........
plea....” And at that, sadly, he past away. Schwib knew that if
you criticise people who work for you they will take their petty revenge
by doing as little as possible. But by praising them you make them feel
important and stupidly they will work harder and harder in an effort to
please you. He summed it up in his saying, “Praise pays” and for
Schwib it certainly did - $1,000,000 times over.
was how Schwib got his people to work hard - but the average person is not
so devious. Most think that they can get work done by bawling and shouting
and criticising their subordinates. Certainly, there is a time and place
for this type of management - it can after all be great fun. But you need
to know which techniques to use and when to use them. As the old saying
goes, “Once I did bad and got wrath and
abuse. / Twice I did good and my boss got promoted.” This is the
crucial point - when your subordinates feel important they will work
harder and it is you, not they, who will reap the rewards.
ability to praise others is one of the main reasons for Andrew Carnegie
Hall’s success. No matter how much Hall despised someone if he knew that
he could benefit from praising him he could always find some words of
praise and be able to express them in a convincing manner. Hall could even
keep up the pretence after his death by writing his own epitaph, “Here
lies one who surrounded himself with men cleverer than himself - I owe
them so much.” Hall indeed owed them much $250 000 in fact in unpaid
warm hearted and sincere was a method adopted by the great John D.
Rockallfellows. Once a senior employee, at Rockallfellows Corporation,
Edward T. Total, lost the firm almost $1,000,000 by going short on
Champagne Futures just at the time when the market was planning a huge
celebration party. Rockallfellows could have flown into a rage, criticised
Total and fired him for his incompetence but instead he simply laughed
hysterically and enthusiastically congratulated him on being able to
salvage $50 of the money he had invested. Still smiling he informed Total
that $50 would be the only salary that he would receive for the next 5
have among my many files marked, “Complete and Utter Lies” a story
that probably is not true but will help to illustrate how New~Way
techniques should be used. “Once upon a time there was a farm woman who slaved every day over a hot stove to prepare a hearty meal
for her menfolk. Each evening the men would come home, eat the meal, and
without a word of thanks go off to the pub for a few beers. Furious at
their lack of appreciation she, one day, set before them plates heaped
high with hay. The men happily ate every strand of hay and told her how
wonderful the meal had been. That evening rather than go out they stayed
home, serenaded her with rugby songs and repeatedly told her how much they
had enjoyed the meal. From that day on the woman reverted to cooking her
usual hearty meals and never complained again.Let’s analyse this
situation and find the deep and meaningful moral. Were the farm workers
remarkably astute? Did they have an understanding of reverse psychology?
Did they realise that the woman despised them so much that it would take
much more than praise, a bouquet of flowers and tickets to the opera to
change her views? Did they calculate that by saying that they enjoyed
eating hay the woman would never give it to them again out of spite? No -
the farm workers simply liked eating hay.
time ago a study revealed that the main reason that women left their
husbands was “lack of appreciation.” It also showed a similar
situation for men. Most men left their wives because they, “appreciated
sexy young nymphs more than their nagging old wives.” We often take our
spouses for granted. So remember they too must be exploited if you are
truly to achieve happiness and success.
I heard about a group of women who started a self improvement programme.
Coming home from a meeting, full of enthusiasm, one of the women asked her
husband to help her by writing a list of things she could do to become a
better wife. The man was surprised by this request but dutifully sat up
all night long working on the list. By morning he had filled seventy six
notebooks with all the things that his wife did which irritated him. As he
heard his wife awaken he suddenly realised that the criticism would hurt
and upset her. Hurriedly he threw the notebooks into the fire. Taking his
wife breakfast in bed he kissed her and told her that despite struggling
all night he could not find a single fault in her. Later that day when the
woman arrived home from work what do you think she found? That’s right.
Nothing ! The husband, realising for the first time what a dreadful wife
she was, had run off taking every piece of furniture with him. It was on
hearing this story that I fully realised the power of praise. If the man
had simply confronted his wife with his list there would have been bitter
resentment, long drawn out arguments, and ultimately when all the crockery
was broken an expensive and messy divorce in which blood sucking lawyers
would leave both parties with massive debts in order to pay their fees.
By smartly applying New~Way methods the man avoided all these
hassles. Ironically, the one thing he forgot to take with him was his
lottery ticket. As fortune would have it his numbers came up and the woman
kept the £12,000,000 winnings - she thus had no further need for the self
help group or her husband.
I took the crazy notion of fasting and for 14 days and 11 nights went
completely without food. It wasn’t difficult, particularly now that
intravenous drips come in a variety of exotic flavours. However as I sat
on a bus with a tasty sweet and sour chicken slowly infusing into my
bloodstream it occurred to me that most people would consider it a crime
to let their families go for days without food and yet they let them go
for years without showing them any sign of appreciation. Appreciation
which they crave even more than they yearn for food.
Alfred Bunt, one of the greatest mime artists of his time, played the lead
role in ‘Onions in Vienna’ he summed up this need to feel important
when he mimed “There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my
self esteem.” Unfortunately due to the complexities of translating mime
between languages the audience interpreted it as “You are a bunch of
short legged big bottomed Italian imbeciles - please pass the salt”
Feeling somewhat unappreciated the audience reacted by miming a lynching
party so convincingly that Bunt died, strangled by an imaginary rope.
take great care in looking after our children’s dietary needs, keeping
them filled up with a constant supply of highly nutritious burgers and
other fast foods. However, we fail to fuel their self esteem by
encouraging them when they succeed for the first time to bribe a friend,
deceive their teacher or beat up the wimp next door. It is simple words of
praise and encouragement at these important times which will put them on
the path to a happy and prosperous life.
readers will be thinking as they read this chapter, “What a lot of
rubbish! What you are describing is simply flattery. Flattery doesn’t
work - I’ve tried it.”
Naturally flattery doesn’t work - it lacks subtlety. Try visiting a
friend in hospital a few hours after they have been run over by a number 6
bus and tell them that they have never looked so good in all their life.
Will they believe you? Well, probably. But when the anaesthetic wears off
they will know you were either flattering them or have a warped sense of
humour. To truly benefit from the power of praise you need to do it for
purely selfish reasons - that way you will be able to deliver praise with
great sincerity and panache. Remember, flattery is counterfeit, and like
counterfeit money it can buy you great happiness provided that you learn
how to pass it successfully.
Grog V had the maxim, “Teach me never to proffer nor receive cheap
praise” hung on the toilet wall in his palace and he read it every time
he was on the Royal Throne. He knew that praise should not be cheap for it
is worth its weight in gold. Grog would honour successful business men and
women for their ability to accumulate vast amounts of wealth by awarding
them titles such as Sir, Lord and Baroness. In return for this sincere
acknowledgement of their accomplishments Grog merely demanded that they
show their gratitude by giving him 30% of all profits. The King’s other
favourite maxim was, “A beggar can look at a king but a king can have
him executed.” Grog loved to put this into practice and any loyal
subject not showing adequate adoration of the king was duly slain. Yes,
George knew that he could achieve anything that he wanted by the skilful
practice of assault and flattery.
of the techniques which you must develop in the Ego~Age is that of showing
interest and appreciation whenever you can benefit from doing so. It is a
much neglected skill and I would advise some practice in this art before
you put it into everyday use. The next time you enjoy smoked salmon in a
restaurant send letters to absolutely everyone involved in creating the
memorable experience. For example send the fisherman a letter thanking him
for braving the arctic storms in order that he could provide you with the
salmon. Go on at great length about how skilful he must be at his craft
and how much you appreciate him unselfishly applying his talents so that
humble people like you may enjoy the taste of freshly caught salmon. After
further in depth praise of him and his family, casually mention that you
have great difficulty in getting fresh fish. You will find that your
praise will soon be rewarded and within days a crate of fresh salmon will
be delivered to your door.
some practice introduce these techniques into relationships with Friemies
whenever possible. You will quickly discover that appreciation is a
currency which allows you to get what you want at the expense of others.
The great beauty of this method is that people will happily give you
anything you wish in the belief that they are the main beneficiaries in
lavish in your praise. Give sincere sounding appreciation at every
opportunity and people will believe every word you say. By making them
feel important they will try to repay you and even years after you have
forgotten all about them they will still be doing things which benefit
five year old daughter arrives home with an expensive bicycle. She
explains that she swapped an old teddy for her friend’s new bicycle. Do
Enthusiastically congratulate her on her shrewd transaction
fully explaining to her ( with the use of some simple profit
and loss accounts and cash flow analysis ) the financial
gains she has made on the deal.
Eagerly praise her but explain that she is too young for a
bicycle. Sell the bicycle using some of the money to buy a
new teddy as a reward for your daughter and keep the rest
Tell her that it was an extremely foolish thing to do. Make
her return the bicycle and ceremoniously destroy the teddy
as a punishment.
5 points : It is good to encourage the development of New~Way
methods in your offspring by the use of praise. However, giving her the
skills of financial analysis will lead to demands for an increased
10 points : Brilliant, not only do you encourage your daughter but
you profit yourself. In addition your daughter gains an understanding that
she has many more lessons to learn if she is to succeed in the Ego~Age.
0 points : Not only
have you discouraged your daughter
commendable behaviour but you have missed several
opportunities to gain financially from the situation.
husband has purchased an extremely expensive pink satin suit which is
obviously quite vile. When he asks for your opinion do you ::-
Applaud his good fashion sense and tell him that he looks
positively wonderful - despite the fact that you will be
embarrassed every time you are seen together.
Zealously praise his choice but sadly explain that you are
allergic to satin. Remind him ( with a short display of
spontaneous and uncontrollable passion ) that you find him
irresistible in his ‘old’ tweed suit and offer to return the
suit for him so as to save him the trouble.
Make appropriate caustic, sarcastic, satirical remarks
( preferably in rhyme ) and, during an interlude in your
laughter, demand that he return it immediately.
0 points : You have praised your husband making him feel
good about himself. Although this is commendable you have
failed to reap the benefit of giving him praise. Having to
be seen with him in public is your punishment for not
dealing with the situation correctly. This sort of attitude
could win you wimp of the week award.
10 points : Magnificent - not only do you deal effectively
with the ghastly suit but you have made your husband feel
important. He will not be annoyed when you exchange the suit
for a sexy little dress for yourself. You are demonstrating
successful mastery of New~Way methods.
2 points : Apart from
the sheer joy of humiliating your
husband you have gained nothing from this scenario. This
type of behaviour is simply that expected of someone with no
knowledge of New~Way methods - have you failed to learn
own a small company. A new employee suggests an innovative method of using
the Web which will save the company a large amount of money. However,
initially it will take a lot of time to set up. Do you ::-
Praise her ideas with wild enthusiasm telling her that it is
ideas like that which will lead to promotion in the future.
Explain that unfortunately resources are currently limited
and that if she wishes to prove her idea she will have to do
it in her own time.
Tell her that you are impressed with her creative ability
and ask her to present her idea to a team of senior managers
Double her salary and assign a team to implement her idea.
10 points : Marvellous. The girl is obliged to do the work in
her own time. She will happily do this because you made her
feel important by praising her and you also mentioned
promotion. However, you have not made any commitment at all.
2 points : It is in the best interest of any team of senior
managers to criticise and condemn clever suggestions proposed
by junior members of staff. This will completely kill the
idea and the newcomers enthusiasm. On the positive side the
senior management will appreciate that you have confidence in
their ability to deal with such important matters.
points : You are a sad naive
hate the time and effort that gardening takes but you love sitting
relaxing lazily in a well kept garden. A retired neighbour is a keen
gardener and has the most wonderful garden. You are exceedingly jealous.
Do you ::-
Pay a large team of professional gardeners vast amounts of
money to keep your garden looking more beautiful than your
Pour weed killer all over your neighbour’s garden.
Invite the neighbour over for drinks. Spend the whole
evening discussing his garden and continually complement
him on his skills. Towards the end of the evening casually
mention that you would love to have a garden which was as
nice as his but that your old war wound means that you can’t
do the work.
5 points : Nice ! - but expensive.
5 points : Nice ! - and amusing.
10 points : A talented
use of New~Way methods. You have
praised your neighbour so much that he will not be able to
resist the opportunity to prove that he can make your garden
look beautiful too. Sit back relax and enjoy.
are a sixteen year old boy and are of course despised by your eighteen
year old sister. Your family have moved to a new house and you and your
sister must agree which bedrooms you are to have. One bedroom is in the
basement, it is very small and has no windows. The other choice is big and
bright with a view over the neighbour’s swimming pool. (You noticed that
the teenage neighbours were sunbathing - topless!!)
Do you ::-
Demand that you get the large room.
Demand that you get the basement room. Then, before anyone can
speak, say that you are being unfair and that as your sister is the elder
child it is only right that she has first choice.
Insist that as your sister is a vampire she must have the basement.
0 points : Loser -
This will only start a row and as always
your parents will side with your sister.
10 points : Good tactics. You make your sister think you want
the basement. You also make her feel important. What a
dilemma you have set her. After heartbreaking deliberation
she will insist, out of pure spite, that you take the large
1 point :
You are a joyous child and a pleasure to
co-exist with - but you don’t get your room.
You are a very capable student with extraordinary natural talents which
will ensure that you succeed in everything you do. You clearly understand
the tremendous power of praise and the benefits it can bring you by making
gullible people feel important. You show complete awareness that the
ability to make people feel important provides you with the capability of
making them do exactly what you want. In this respect you obviously
already appreciate what benefits you can achieve by making all your
friends feel important by presenting them all with copies of this book.
:: Unless you understand the techniques of manipulation there is a great
danger that you will become the one who is being manipulated. I insist
that you read the chapter again - NOW !!
28 :: Trying to teach you is like trying to train a dumb dog to bark in
Latin. Not completely impossible - just pointless. Try getting a grown up
to tuck you up in bed and read the chapter to you slowly. Perhaps by
treating the book like a fairy tale you will eventually understand at
least a few New~Way methods. As in all good fairy stories I hope you have
a happy ending - and that it comes quickly and painlessly.
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