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How to Win Friends and Influence People - A Parody
How to Win Friends and Influence People - A Parody
Copyright Stuart Macfarlane
FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN
"If You Want to Gather Honey Take a Lesson from the Anteater"
The Big Trick in Exploiting People. ( You can Fool All of the
People All of the Time )
"He Who Can Feign Sincerity has the Whole World Eating From
His Hand. He Who Cannot Eats
Introduction to the
immense effort has gone into the creation of this book - plagiarism
requires a lot of research, reading, photocopying and coffee drinking.
This effort will only be worthwhile if :-
Lots of naive, gullible suckers purchase the book and thereby
provide the authors with the fame and fortune that those who have been
plagiarised so rightly deserved.
The millions of people who read the book achieve inner peace, good
health, prosperity, happiness and a reduced dependency on psychiatric
these to be achieved it is vital that you break the habit of a lifetime
and read the introduction section instead of skipping forward to the main
sections. By doing so you will achieve b) and therefore, influenced by
subliminal messages in the text, you will recommend this book to everyone
you meet, and many people you don’t meet, thereby actualising a).
you have skipped past the ‘Introduction to the Introduction’ section
then please ignore this message.
is changing at a greater rate than at any time in the history of mankind.
Increasingly you must run faster in an attempt merely to keep up with
Life. When you think that you have finally caught up and you and Life are
once more running side by side Life will suddenly sprint rapidly away
leaving you with the realisation that you are several laps behind and
losing further ground. For
these new changing times, success has been redefined. No longer is it
suffocated in friendships, loyalties, shared values, or community and
organisational ethics. No longer will it be restrained by the need for
sincerity, honesty and compassion. This is the dawn of the Ego~Age in
which everyone will become a true individual - free to strive for success
- free to suffer the consequences of failure if they are too weak to
endure the pressure or are unable to adapt to the New~Way which will
prevail in the Ego~Age. The New~Way ensures that only the strongest
survive - it will be an arduous never ending struggle - and you must fight
every battle alone. There will be no one willing to help and should you
waste time helping others the consequence will be failure to achieve your
own aspirations. Personal success will become the only purpose in life.
The rewards for the few who achieve success will be immense. The
laborious, long solitary hours dedicated to achieving your aims will bring
with it much more than stress-lines, paranoia and loneliness. The ultimate
rewards of Power and Money can be yours!
is happening so fast that society will soon be completely overwhelmed by
the effects of technological developments. These will cause any remaining
social structures to finally collapse scattering debris over the graveyard
of humanity. Life in the Ego~Age will become increasingly insular. The
terms friend and enemy, will be redefinition. There will no longer be such
a person as a 'friend' in the old sense of someone that you can trust,
confide in, help etc. An Ego~Age 'friend' is fighting the battle for
success against you and as there can be only one winner they are therefore
attempting to deprive you of everything that you are striving for. A
'friend' in the Ego~Age is therefore a transient acquaintance used to
achieve a positive advantage. When that particular advantage has been
achieved then the friend is no longer of benefit and hence becomes a
burden. Friends will quickly become enemies. Fortunately, there is great
value and purpose in cultivating such enemies - they will become
benchmarks against which to measure your achievements as you must always
accomplish more than they do. By being a perpetual threat to your success
they will provide a constant stimulus for your self-advancement. Thus in
the Ego~Age Friends will be Enemies and Enemies will be Friends.
title of this book "How to Win Enemies " may
at first seem a little strange. Why, you might ask, should you wish to win
enemies? What benefits will be gained by doing so? In
the Ego~Age winning enemies will become a normal
and desirable way of life :-
a rapidly changing environment success, at work, will depend on the
ability to quickly bring together information and ideas in order to
provide effective solutions. Those who can do so will reap huge rewards.
However individuals with the ability to incorporate the original ideas of
others and claim them as their own will be the greatest achievers. Thus
your success will be closely linked to the failure of others. Your rewards
and status, will be achieved at the expense of others. So when those
around you are infuriated by your achievements they are recognising your
abilities and their own inadequacies.
of a social structure will change the nature of relationships. You must
only enter into relationships which offer you clear benefits. Commitment,
love and friendship which traditionally required you to ‘give’ more
than you ‘received’ will no longer have a purpose. The New~Way
requires that you must profit from all relationships. This will
necessitate cheating, lying, deception, trickery and treachery - but
don’t worry, you will quickly master all these desirable skills. You
must end a relationship as soon as it ceases to provide useful benefits.
If you use relationships effectively to maximise your gains then
inevitably others will lose out.
you infuriate more and more people you will create an ever-increasing
number of Friends-Enemies, Friemies - as we shall call them. With these
Friemies behind you the only direction is upward on onward to greater
success. Friemies will constantly prod you on to achieve your next goal.
You will only ever look back to check whether anyone is creeping up on you
with the intent of prodding you with an unsheathed dagger.
NINE SUGGESTIONS ON
HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS BOOK
This book is filled to the brim and beyond with rules and techniques to
help you achieve success in the Ego~Age. Some are ineffectual, some are
superficial and the others are frivolous and meaningless. How do you
choose those which will have greatest impact on your life? Which will
transform your existence and bring fame, fortune and happiness? One Golden
Rule eclipses all others: “In the Ego~Age all rules are futile and will
be superseded by new futile rules at random intervals.” As you read this
book always keep this one Golden Rule fixed firmly in your mind and submit
to it at all times. If you are to maximise the advantages that this book
can bring you must have an intense desire to succeed, a desire so
passionate that you will pursue any suggestions without questioning their
validity. How do you develop such an attitude? Constantly remind yourself
of your ultimate goal - to be wealthier, more powerful and happier than
all those contemptible people who have mocked and overlooked you in the
past. Soon you will have the power and influence to dominate, mock or
ignore them. Revenge will be yours!
Read each chapter quickly. You will probably be tempted to rush on to the
next chapter or to throw the book away in disgust. But don’t. Success
does not come quickly or painlessly. After an initial quick read you must
then read each chapter extremely slowly and thoroughly agonising over
every word. Remember you are not reading for fun. If you find yourself
starting to enjoy reading this book then stop, take a cold shower, and
return to your reading with a more cynical attitude.
Take regular breaks from reading to think over what you have read.
Continually appraise what you are reading and keep asking the questions
“Why am I reading this rubbish ?”, “Am I such a sad and pathetic
moron that I need to read trashy books to find out how to live my life?”
and “Is this Tuesday?”
Mark any part you particularly like and cross out everything you dislike
with heavy felt tip pens. Use codes to distinguish the different levels of
uselessness. For example thin horizontal blue lines through parts you
think are only quite bad and deep vertical red scores through whole
sections which you consider to be particularly offensive. In doing so try
to create pretty and colourful patterns. Doodle in all the margins so that
you get at least some value for the money you spent buying this book.
Marking it in this way not only personalises the book but there is every
chance that a page could be mistaken for a work of contemporary art and be
awarded a huge financial prize by a prominent art gallery.
Frequently reread this book. Keep copies everywhere, in the office, the
toilet your favourite restaurant and under the bed. Take a copy wherever
you go in order that you can read it when your friends are particularly
boring or while at the cinema, driving or attending a funeral.
A great philosopher (but rather mediocre sanitary inspector) once said
“You can teach a man to put up an umbrella but you can’t make it
rain.” He was so right and at the same time so very, very irrelevant.
The important point is that there is no sense in reading this book unless
you are stupid enough to blindly follow it’s principals. Apply the rules
whenever possible and especially at times when it’s not possible.
However, there will be occasions when you will find it particularly
difficult to apply these suggestions. I know because I wrote the book and
have never once practised anything that I advocate. That is the great
advantage of giving advice - you never need to follow it never mind
believe it. So, as you read your way through this book remember do not
treat it in the same way as you would treat a cheap fiction novel. You are
not supposed to enjoy it you are attempting to make a extraordinary change
in your life style ...
Offer family and friends bribes to feign interest in your efforts to
improve your life. Become paranoid in your efforts to master and apply the
rules of this book. Take a shower at least once each week.
I once met a contemptible, arrogant and highly successful lawyer who
described to me his system of self improvement. This man had neither
education nor qualifications and yet over the course of six months had
worked his way from being a third-rate Assistant Sewer Cleaner to become
one of the highest paid lawyers in America. Over numerous pints of beer he
confessed that he owed his success to a simple system he had developed. It
was a very noisy pub and the lawyer slurred a great deal from the soothing
effects of fifteen pints of beer but this is the system in his own words -
I’ve filled in the numerous gaps and removed all references to ducks,
“For years I kept a diary of everything I said and did. I would spend
all Saturday reading though the events of the week agonising over every
minute mistake I had made and every word I had said which in some way may
have inadvertently hurt anyone’s feelings. By the end of the day I was
always thoroughly depressed and would spend all day Sunday in bed
frightened to face the week ahead. Suddenly, like a flash of lightning
from a clear cerulean blue sky, I realised what a huge waste of time this
was. After that I simply blundered through life not caring whether I was
right or wrong provided I got what I wanted, not caring about the
consequences of my actions. Other people didn’t matter - let them fend
for themselves. I quickly realised that provided that you talk with
confidence people will believe anything you tell them and by being
extremely condescending they will assume that you have power and authority
and will thus be too afraid to oppose what you say. Suddenly I was able to
recklessly make life and death decisions, tell extraordinary lies and take
advantage of gullible people. I had found the true secret of success.
Success is a game - a game that you can only win if you make sure that
others lose.” By employing a similar attitude you too can develop your
ability to benefit from those around you, increasing the probability that
you will succeed - turn other peoples failures into your achievements.
At the end of this book there are several blank pages on which to record
details of triumphs achieved by applying the principals of this book. In
particular record the names of all the people you have crushed in your
pursuit of success. Keeping such a record will be a useful reminder of the
many people who will be seeking revenge and trying to destroy everything
you have struggled so hard to achieve. Update and read this section
regularly - the cutlery box of success is deep - so constantly guard your
At the end of each section there is a quiz. It is vital that you complete
these quizzes in order to monitor your progress and ensure that you are
learning the techniques described. If your score for a quiz is less than
100% then re-read the section and re-do the quiz. If after five attempts
you fail to get all the answers correct then admit that you are a moronic
half-witted imbecile and refer to the answers or, preferably, give this
book to a friend.
TECHNIQUES IN MANIPULATING PEOPLE.
You Want to Gather Honey Take a Lesson from the Anteater"
section shows how people react to praise and criticism and how you can
make use of such New~Way tools to exploit others. Following these
techniques will allow you to steal the honey, created by the arduous
labour of the bees, without fear of being stung by the boring little
worker bees. Like the anteater you will be able to sniff out the honey and
enjoy the sweet taste of success.
May 16, 1842, the most amazing manhunt Scarborough Town has ever seen came
to an extraordinary climax. After, eighteen years of incessant rigorous
searching, - stopping only to take holidays for Christmas, Easter,
Birthdays, Pentecost and Rogation Sundays, police had finally trapped the
dangerous mass murderer Bill "Dangerous Mass Murderer" Smith in
an apartment just off Main Street. Twenty two thousand detectives laid
siege to the apartment (many from the vantage point of local pubs). With
the aid of eighty helicopters and twenty tanks they bombarded the
apartment with missiles and tear gas in an effort to smoke out Smith. For
over a week the whole town reverberated with the sound of shell fire as
one by one the houses crumbled. Smith, meanwhile stood defiantly at the
open window of the apartment waving a white flag, moving away only to make
short excursions to the local supermarket. Fifty million onlookers watched
the battle and the screen rights were sold for
million. When Smith was eventually captured it was discovered that, due to
an error in reading the door nameplate, the police had been pursuing the
wrong person for over eighteen years. They had actually captured Jill
"Dangerous Mass Murderer" Smith who, despite her name, had never
hurt anyone in her life. The police however insisted that ninety two year
old Jill was a brutal callous murderer who despite having been confined to
her apartment with crippling injuries for the previous forty years (apart
from brief excursions to the local supermarket) had carried out eighty-two
murders in more than one hundred countries. After weeks of intensive
questioning, with the assistance of wooden batons and a ping pong ball,
the Police Commissioner jubilantly announced that Smith had been
imprisoned on the slightly reduced charge of tax evasion. Smith was duly
tried and hung for failing to submit her tax return form for the year
1819. The Commissioner announced that although he was disappointed that
Bill "Dangerous Mass Murderer" Smith was still on the loose,
committing brutal murders, the operation to find him had been phenomenally
successful. He asserted that the punishment of Jill "Dangerous Mass
Murderer" Smith would act as a warning to other potential tax evaders
who viciously failed to submit tax return forms and declared that they too
would be appropriately dealt with.
little story has some valuable lessons for us:
have had numerous anonymous letters from Lewd Lawless, who was warden of
Old York's Sing Song Prison for many years. He confirms that most of the
prisoners there are very proud of the crimes they have committed. In fact
the vast majority were picked up by the police for minor offences such as
spitting and dropping of litter. When questioned, over numerous bottles of
whisky and with a few words of praise and encouragement, they were
delighted to admit to much more serious offences including mass murder,
gang warfare, drug trafficking and parking violations. Such was their
enthusiasm to boast that they confessed to many crimes that had never been
committed. This caused police a considerable amount of time and effort in
fabricating evidence often having to commit the crimes themselves in a
manner that matched the claims of the suspects. These evil convicts are
just as inhuman as you and I. They too wish to find glory and be idolised
by their peers. The greater the praise they receive the more they
exaggerate their offences. As Lewd Lawless put it "Everyone wants to
be a hero. Everyone wants to go down in history as the fastest gun in the
west, the greatest bank robber or the quickest knitter. People will stop
at nothing to achieve fame even being unscrupulous enough to use illegally
large knitting needles to achieve their dreams."
So if the desperate inmates of our prisons will do or say anything
to achieve notoriety what lesson is there for you and I.
A. Skunner, the world famous tiddly-wink player and amateur psychologist
proved by experimenting with rats that certain desirable behaviours can be
taught. His experiments involved stapling rats by their tails to the floor
and placing food one metre away. At first the rats struggled to reach the
food but they eventually learned that they could not reach it and would
give up the struggle shortly after death. Unfortunately Skunner’s
experiments were halted when an outraged public protested against the
inhumane treatment of the defenceless rats. Subsequently Skunner was
convicted, chained up in a prison cell and given no food until three days
after his death. Skunner learned his lesson and never performed his cruel
experiments again. The results of his experiments are however very
relevant to us. They show that we can influence the behaviour of those
around us by the way we treat them. Praising a person will positively
reinforce their behaviour. They are likely to think, “I know that I’m
doing this the best way, I don’t need that ignorant, arrogant swine to
condescendingly tell me that I am right!” and they will continue to
perform the action with even greater enthusiasm and determination.
However, when we criticise a person we negatively reinforce their
behaviour. They are likely to think, “I know that I’m doing this the
best way, I don’t need that ignorant, arrogant swine to condescendingly
tell me that I am wrong!” and they will continue to perform the action
with even greater enthusiasm and determination. Thus by the way in which
we treat a friemy we can effectively “staple” them into a particular
course of action which will result in disaster. This will ensure that they
are no longer able to achieve success and thus there will be more “rat
food” available for you.
Salye Van Gretle a slightly less famous tiddly-wink player ( but who had
the benefit of twenty years psychiatric experience while locked in a
padded cell at a state mental hospital ) asserted, "The more a person
craves praise and recognition the more vulnerable they become. To achieve
respect and honour takes more than just hard work, courage and
determination - it is vital to ruthlessly annihilate anyone who stands in
your way. Utilise this vulnerability in others to achieve your own
course it will not always be possible to flatter someone into failing
without causing resentment when they eventually realize that with your
help they have sabotaged their own plans. Where this bitterness threatens
your objectives then more subtle methods must be employed. One technique
is the 'Pass the Buck' system. In this method you persuade person A that
for them to avoid being held responsible for a disaster that they must
pass the blame onto person B. Thus the target person B is held responsible
for the disaster and they hold a lifelong grudge against person A. The
beauty of this method is that two of your rival are maligned and weakened
at one time.
Stores, the founder of the American stores that bear his name, once
confessed "I like to dress up in woman's clothing when playing
chess" he also admitted "I discovered years ago that it is
completely pointless to try to get someone to do what you want by
chastising them when they do something wrong. These people are just too
damn stupid to understand even simple instructions." What Stores
learned through running Stores stores is that most people are too dumb to
realize when they are wrong. Criticism puts a person on the defensive and
they will try to prove that their way is best, at all costs.
Cairfull is the safety officer for an engineering company in Gwent. It is
his responsibility to ensure that whenever employees are working on a
building site they wear the hard hats that the company provides. These
hats give the wearer a sense of protection from falling objects (although
in reality they are unlikely to protect the wearer from any object heavier
than a marshmallow). More importantly the hats are used as billboards to
advertise the products of sponsoring companies. As this brings in huge
amounts of profit it is essential that everyone wears a hat.
reported that when he discovered workers who were not wearing the hard
hats, he would scream and shout at them, pointing out that they were
ignorant, contemptible, useless vermin. As a result he got enthusiastic
acceptance, but after he left the workers enthusiasm was quickly forgotten
and the hats would accidentally be destroyed under bulldozers. Cairfull
decided to try a more subtle approach. From the top of a two hundred-metre
high building he dropped girders onto the heads of several men who were
not wearing their safety hats, killing them instantly. He them reminded
the survivors in a pleasant tone of voice that the hats were designed to
protect them from injury and indicated with the help of a ten pound mallet
what would happen to anyone who did not comply. The result was that
everyone obeyed the regulation with no resentment or emotional upset.
you know someone you would like to change, dominate and take advantage of?
Excellent, you are learning fast. I approve. From a purely personal
standpoint, it is much more beneficial if you can take credit for the
efforts of others rather than work hard yourself. Learn to work smart -
not hard. If you can do the minimum amount of work while reaping the
rewards from the efforts of others then work will be extremely profitable
and much less monotonous.
takes five men forty hours to dig a hole,” Confucius proclaimed, over
four thousand years ago, “But it takes one man just one hour to rob them
of their wages - or less than 0.002 seconds if he is computer literate.”
It is vital that you become the person earning huge sums of money from the
labour of the proletarian doing the digging.
long, long time ago when I was young and trying to impress people I
decided to write to a prominent author asking him if he would write a
novel but let me claim it as mine. A few days earlier I had received a
letter from my credit card company which said, “Your account is over the
limit, pay immediately or legal action will be taken.” I was impressed
at the power that this company wielded being able to make legal threats
against innocent people just because they hadn’t paid their bills for
over eight months. Wishing to impress the author in a similar way I ended
my letter, “Reply within seven days or legal action will be taken
against you.” Sure enough six days later the author replied, however he
had simply scribbled across the letter “Bugger off you ignorant jerk.”
I had blundered, giving him seven days to answer my letter was foolish I
should have made it fourteen. But, even after all this time, I still
resent what he said and the fact that he was so unwilling to help an
aspiring entrepreneur and con man. However, I did benefit from the
episode. Now that I am a world famous author I frequently get letters from
people seeking help and advice. Every time I receive such a letter it
reminds me of this incident and I always take the trouble to personally
scribble across their letters “Bugger off you ignorant jerk.”
D. Vueue was an expert in the practice of positive resentment. Shortly
after starting in his new job as Senior Accountant in a top London bank he
realised that his promotion prospects were limited. His boss, Frank, had
held the same post for twelve years and was unlikely to be promoted
thereby creating a potential position for Ron. In addition the four other
Senior Accountants who reported to Frank all had more experience and were
better qualified than Ron. Although Ron was lazy and inadequate he had one
huge advantage over them all - he had read this book! Over the next few
months he took each of the other Senior Accountants, separately, to lunch
and with an air of sincere concern he told them that Frank had confided in
him that he considered them to be useless incompetent failures. He also
took every opportunity to tell Frank that the Senior Accountants were
criticising him saying that they had no confidence in his ability as their
manager. The Senior Accountants’ resentment against Frank resulted in
such ill feeling that soon afterwards Frank left the company. The others,
having been demotivated by the alleged criticism were meanwhile producing
poor quality work. Thus when Frank resigned Ron was the prime candidate to
take his place. After his promotion Ron used the tactics described in this
book to ensure that the Senior Accountants worked harder than ever before.
By a similar use of positive resentment Karen Allot caused her best friend
Rose to call off her engagement to her fiance Steve. Karen’s application
of the techniques were so skilful that when she married Steve six weeks
later Rose was so delighted that she paid for the expensive honeymoon.
remember that people are irrational and illogical. But fortunately they
are all emotional wrecks filled with selfish egotistical desires which
make them vulnerable and remarkably easy to manipulate.
suggestion that he had made a grammatical error in one of his novels
caused the sensitive Thomas Softy, one of the greatest British writers of
this century, to give up writing forever. Criticism drove the poet Thomas
A. Chatupline to suicide - he killed himself after spending five days
searching for an appropriate word that rhymed with it to complete a love
poem he was writing. Only as he gasped his last breath did he realise that
Witticism would have been the perfect rhyme.
the dull and the ignorant can criticise and all of them do - constantly.
But it takes character and cunning to understand that criticism is a
powerful tool to be used to help achieve your own goals and to destroy
your adversaries. “A great man shows his greatness,” proclaimed
Birmingham “by the way he treats little men ..... like shit.”
Vaccuumcleaner, a top test pilot who often performed at air shows, was
heading home one clear Sunday afternoon from an air show in San Diego. As
described in the magazine ‘Hip and Heart Operations’, at two hundred
feet, both engines exploded blowing the plane into a million fragments. By
deftly manoeuvring Bob managed to land the only remaining parts of the
plane, the seat and the glove compartment. Remarkably no one of
consequence was badly hurt by the falling debris. Bob’s first act after
the emergency landing was to change his trousers. Later, he examined the
glove compartment. Just as he had expected, the plane had been fuelled
with nitroglycerine rather than gasoline. When he arrived back at the
airport he demanded to see the mechanic who had serviced his aeroplane.
The young man was sick with the horror of his mistake - and the six
bottles of tequila he had just drunk. He had tears in his eyes, and a
rather repulsive pimple on his upper lip, as he watched Vaccuumcleaner
approach. He had caused the loss of an expensive plane and caused the
death of twenty six fairly unimportant people. You can understand that
Vaccuumcleaner may have been slightly upset by the incident and could have
failed to see the funny side of the events. But Bob did not lambaste the
mechanic. He did not utter a single word of criticism. Bob simply put his
arm around the man’s shoulder and said, “To show you how much
confidence I have in you I would like you to accept this crate of vodka,
and I want you to service my good friend and arch rival’s F-51
tomorrow.” Yes, Bob could always find ways to turn even the most
disastrous events to his advantage.
secretary of the golf club you have been asked to organise a social
evening for club members and
important local dignitaries. Having put the £10,000, allocated to pay the
expenses, into your own bank account you promptly forget all about
organising the event. On the night set for the event you receive a phone
call from the irate club president complaining that everyone had arrived
but nothing has been organised.
Apologise profusely and offer to rearrange the event at your
Blame the caterers but enthusiastically proclaim that fortunately
due to your skilful negotiations there is £1000 left which can be put
towards the next event.
Use the £10,000 on plastic surgery so that no one recognises
0 points : Are you an idiot ?
10 points : Excellent, not only do you retain your
credibility but you gain £9,000.
5 points : Only really worthwhile if you are particularly ugly or
are in trouble with the police.
work colleague confides to you that she has invented a new money saving
device and asks you to help present the idea to the company management.
You quickly realise that the idea will save the company vast amounts of
money. This would safeguard the jobs of ten thousand people who are about
to be made redundant and would make your colleague a hero ensuring that
she would be promoted above you. Do you ::-
Sack her immediately then claim the idea as your own?
Ridicule her idea and condemn her as an incompetent dreamer.
Tell her you will give her your complete support but sabotage her
idea so that it is rejected by management.
10 points : This is a fair and ethical way to exploit the
situation, 10,000 people retain their jobs and you become the hero.
2 points : May provide a few moments of amusement but of little
long term benefit.
0 points : A time consuming, insipid, unimaginative way to deal
with a situation which offers you great potential for profit.
partner is pathetic at making love and you are never satisfied by his /
her bumbling efforts. However, you are enchanted by the fact that he / she
is staggeringly rich.
Humiliate your partner in front of friends describing all his/her
inadequacies in excruciating detail.
Tell your partner that he/she is fantastic in bed and take a lover
to satisfy your sexual needs.
Persuade a friend to seduce your partner and then after they have
sex to mock your partner about his / her sexual ability suggesting that he
/ she should visit a sex therapist.
0 points : Apart from the joy of humiliating your partner you have
little to gain from this and risk losing future opportunities to exploit
your partner’s wealth.
5 points : Not a very creative solution but better than chastity.
10 Points : This provides great potential for you to take advantage
of your partner’s guilt and blackmail them for years to come.
eight year old daughter never tidies her room and toys, dolls and teddies
litter the floor. Naturally you find this extremely irritating and as a
parent it is your duty to ensure that she conforms. Do you :-
Explain to her that her behaviour is detestable and that everyone
is greatly disappointed with her.
Accept that she is only a child of eight and cheerfully tidy the
room yourself, carefully putting all her toys lovingly in the the rubbish
Refuse to feed her until the room is cleaned to your total
0 points : Criticising a young girl can have a deep
psychological impact which may affect
her for the rest of her
life. Unfortunately, it is not deep
enough to ensure that she
tidies her room.
5 points : This can be effective but only if you do not allow
anyone to give her new toys in the future.
10 Points : By this method your daughter learns that her evil
disobedience will not be tolerated. It
has the bonus of
saving you money on your food bill for
a number of days.
are manager of a regional sales division for a large company. Two months
after hiring a new salesman you discover that he is totally incapable of
doing his job. Do you ::-
Tell him that he is the worst salesman you have met in your
30 years in sales and arrange a three
month intensive training
course in the hope that he will
Recommend him for promotion at a rival sales division.
0 points : Sacking him so quickly only demonstrates to the
management that you are not even capable of the simple task of selecting
0 points : Why waste money training a complete waster.
10 Points : This solves the problem of having a poor performer on
your team and, more importantly, gives one of your rivals even bigger
Check Your Rating
you are showing great promise in being able to master New~Way methods and
the ability to adapt to the Ego~Age.
You have either got an evil, vicious and devious nature or are
easily influenced by drivel just because it is written in a book. Continue
to the next chapter.
:: Not a particularly impressive score !
In the Ego~Age such imperfection is a sign of weakness and proof of
incompetence and ignorance. There is no point in reading this book if you
are unable or unwilling to learn the basic techniques which you will need
to survive in the Ego~Age.
the chapter only this time make a greater effort to learn the important
lessons. Ensure there are no distractions that will inhibit your learning
– switch off the television, tell the orchestra to leave and do not have
sex while reading.
30 :: An abysmal, disappointing score. You show no imaginative flair and
absolutely no aptitude for learning. Unless you try much harder you are
sure to be a complete failure in the Ego~Age. You have gained utterly no
understanding of the effects that criticism can have on people. Re-read
this chapter. This time try to remain awake while you are reading and
ignore all words that are bigger than two syllables.
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How to win friends and influence people