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& Linda Macfarlane
your dog your best friend?
you look after your dog or does your dog look after you?
You may think that you live an arduous, work-filled life but your dog has an even more demanding existence – taking care of you!
is changing rapidly, with each modern day more hectic than the last. These
changes have been particularly horrific for dogs. A mere four thousand
years ago the world was their playground. They roamed wherever they
pleased, carefree, happy-go-lucky, masters of their own destinies. But all
that has changed and now they find themselves totally frazzled and wearied
by the responsibility of caring for their adopted human families. A modern
dog has so much work to do, so many commitments. There are humans to walk,
slippers to chew, cats to chase and a vast amount of barking to fit in.
It’s hardly surprising that so many suffer from stress and burnout long
before they’ve grown out of puppyhood.
a Dog’s Life
aims to remedy this problem by providing all the info and advice a dog
needs to lead a happy and successful life while still fulfilling the role
of man’s best friend.
the start of each new day sit in front of the mirror, wag your tail
frantically and pant the following mantra:
a carefree courageous adventurer.
shall star in more films than Lassie.
shall hunt ferocious lions in Africa.
shall scale the rugged peaks of Everest.
shall court all the sophisticated poodles of Paris.
But first I must fetch my leash.
The postman eagerly anticipates his early morning game of chase. No matter how tired you feel always make the effort to snarl savagely and charge at him the moment he opens the garden gate.
for a truly joyful day
– 05:23 Sleep sprawled across your human.
– 05:25 Wake human with a slobbery kiss.
– 05:45 Breakfast
– 06:45 Take human for ‘walkies.’
– 06:55 Chase Postman
– 12:00 Chew slippers, rugs, curtains, chair
– 12:20 Lunch
– 13:00 Take human for ‘walkies.’
– 14:00 Practice barking and growling really
– 18:00 Chase cats, bikes, cars and anything
else that moves.
– 18:30 Dinner
– 19:30 Take human for ‘walkies.’
– 23:00 Test hypothesis that dogs can never
catch their tails.
– 00:00 Take human for final walk of the day.
dine with Old Mother Hubbard!!
when playing fetch confuse your human by bringing back something other
than the stick – a hedgehog would be ideal.
are less socially developed than dogs and are woefully inhibited even with
their closest friends. Set a good example - greet guests by jumping
playfully on top of them and, as they pick themselves up, cover them in
sloppy kisses and sniff them thoroughly. Not only will this affectionate
welcome delight visitors but very soon your human will emulate your social
Sad but true - some people actually DO
human may feel insecure, even terrified, if she is home, alone, watching a
spooky midnight movie. Reassure her – prove that her ever vigilant guard
dog is alert and on duty. Frequently and dramatically leap onto all fours,
prick up your ears, glare at the window anxiously and growl bravely.
you’ve had great fun digging up all the houseplants, knocking over
ornaments and scattering litter about the room – that’s the perfect
time to take a long, long walk leaving the cat to take the blame.
there dogs on Mars?
humans ever learn to speak dog language?
dogs one day run faster than the speed of light?
Don’t trouble yourself with such petty matters.
instead on the truly important.
should I hide my bone?
human obviously enjoys sitting in his favourite chair. Share the fun. Go
there regularly to relax. Spread out comfortably, stretching, to take up
every single bit of space. Claim the chair as your own - snarl viciously
at anyone who dares disturb your peaceful meditation.
Every vet is a threat.
the ancient art of Feng Shui. Carefully arrange your bone collection in a
neat circle on your human’s bed. Curl up in the centre and sleep in
you have the intelligence of a chess grandmaster your human will
condescendingly insist on trying to teach you moronic little tricks such
as ‘give a paw.’ Do not be tempted to enlighten him as to his
foolishness – believing that he is smarter than you gives his ego a
a truly yummy snack try chewing your human’s favourite slippers. These
will be so much more delicious than those cheap dog treats he buys for
Alert – It may be macho to chase cats or even rabbits but you
will look simply stupid chasing butterflies and bees.
the company of fleas!
They are vexatious to the soul – and body.
patient with your human - he can be
trained to perform simple tricks. For example if you repeatedly return a
stick to him he will eventually learn to play ‘Throw.’
!!! Sharp incisors and
balloons are a thunderously lethal mix.
the day will come when your human presents you with your very own
custom-built kennel. Show your appreciation by barking frantically and
leaping around her in an uncontrolled frenzy of excitement. Further reward
her - continue your night time habit of sleeping stretched out comfortably
across her bed.
Maxim on Existence : I bark therefore I am.
Maxim on Possessions : I must ensure my human is never parted from her
Maxim on Sloth : To be really lazy, in your next life come back as a cat.
Maxim on Archaeology : Ancient dogs must have had really poor memories to
mislay all those juicy bones.
Maxim on Exercise : Six walks a day is the minimum to keep a human strong
Maxim on Postmen : Their bark is worse than their bite.
Maxim on Fleas : Their bite is worse than their bark.
At the end of each day relax
and reflect upon all your achievements :–
neighbour’s cat chased up a tree
bone collection carefully hidden
slippers lovingly chewed.
human thoroughly walked
each and every one of these successes. They make life worthwhile.
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