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The 29,931 Day Diet Plan

Copyright Stuart Macfarlane

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The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are cookbooks and diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare delicious, tempting dishes. The diet books endeavour to persuade you not to eat any of them. It’s one of life’s greatest paradoxes!


Life is one long diet, each and every day is a struggle between what you consume and what your body expels or burns up. Get the equation right and you can easily gain employment as a supermodel. Get it wrong and your hips, thighs and stomach will gradually expand until you look like a pregnant hippo that has been force fed on a very strict ‘vegan~free’ diet.


On every single day of your life you are consciously or subconsciously on a diet – regulating your consumption and level of exercise in an effort to achieve the body that your ego craves. Some days are good and you eat only healthy food and in saintly moderation. Unfortunately these are invariably followed by innumerable days of shameless, but decidedly more satisfying, overindulgence.


“The 29,931 Day Diet Plan” examines the many stages of life and the many, many, many diets people try in an attempt to achieve the perfect weight and shape. Some stages last for years, some for just a day but from vegan to voracious carnivore we go through them all at some point.


This book will help you lose weight more successfully than any diet. In fact you’ll laugh so much you’ll quickly lose all those extra pounds!


Days 1 – 181                                           Cot Cuisine  


At this very young age you have not yet conceived the notion of overweight, diet or misery. The words carbohydrate, protein, calories, polyunsaturated and cholesterol are all terms which have not revealed their full terror for you. Oblivious to the sinister side of food you would happily suck on anything - a sweaty old sock, a high carbohydrate, high energy, bar of chocolate, a milk filled breast – it makes no difference to you. Mum however is obsessed with your weight, worries constantly that you are too thin, too fat or both, and in an effort to allay her fears weighs you four times a day. This causes your lifelong obsession with your weight and the paranoia which ensures that not a single day goes by without your worrying that you might be gaining a few pounds. It is also the reason why, throughout your entire life, every single time you eat a chocolate the pleasure is spoiled by intense feelings of guilt. From here on every day is a diet day!


Breakfast: 86 sucks

Exercise: Howling and bawling at the top of your voice.

Morning Snack: 43 sucks

Exercise: Peeing over everything in sight

Lunch: 66 sucks

Exercise: Puking over mum’s new dress 

Afternoon Snack: 32 sucks

Exercise: GooGoo GaaGaa practice 

Dinner: 123 sucks

Exercise: Looking sweet and innocent.

Supper: 28 sucks

Night Snacks: Every forty minutes from 10pm until 6 am : between 1 and 12 sucks

Night Exercise: Regular screaming and intermittent breath holding to ensure mum and dad can never relax.


The Lighter Side of Dieting


It was her first night at Weight Watchers and Sue was feeling a little nervous. To help her feel at ease the other members began a discussion about the foods they most wanted to buy as they went round the supermarket. One man confessed that French cheeses were his greatest weakness and a rather large woman said she found it almost impossible to resist anything smothered in chocolate.   Finally it was Sue’s turn to admit her cravings. Taking a deep breath, she confided, "To be honest I can’t resist anything in aisles three, four, five, six or nine."


A young man went to visit his doctor. He had a carrot up one nostril, a cucumber in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "Doctor, doctor,” he gasped, “I’ve got dreadfully sore ears and can hardly breathe! What’s wrong with me?" The doctor looked at him for a few minutes, shook his head sorrowfully and replied, "You're not eating properly."


Elizabeth was telling her best friend about the new man in her life, "Allan is a strict vegetarian - he never, ever touches meat. I don’t mind that but unfortunately he’s also incredibly dull - the only things he ever talks about are vegetables. He would talk for hours about growing all his own food and how to make the perfect salad. And when we go out for a meal it’s always to Vegan restaurants. When he takes me to lunch we have salad. When he takes me out to dinner we have salad. His idea of a wicked treat is for us to share a yoghurt. For the last four weeks I’ve eaten, talked and lived vegetables!

"Well, If you don't like him, why don't you just dump him and find someone more exciting?" enquired her friend. "Oh I couldn’t do that’ retorted Elizabeth ‘At least not for another few weeks - I’m losing so much weight!"


It was John’s twenty-first birthday party and everyone was having a great time. At last it was time for the birthday boy to cut his cake. After blowing out the candles and making a wish he cut it into huge slices for his guests. Crossing the room with two extra large pieces he handed them to his best friend Graham and his wife Catherine. Immediately Catherine pulled a photograph from her bag and thrust it in front of Graham’s face. Instantly Graham handed the plates back to John and announced that he was not hungry. “What was that all about?” asked John when he got Graham alone later.  ‘Since we got married two years ago we have both put on a little weight.’ sighed Graham, “This summer we would like to go back to where we spent our honeymoon – a wonderfully warm resort with a fantastic nudist beach.  But as an incentive to lose weight we are only going to go if we both get back into shape. We have agreed that if either of us is tempted by fattening food the other will do whatever they can to kill the craving. So whenever I get tempted, as I did earlier, Alice shows me a photograph of her on that beach and I completely lose my appetite!”



Day 365                                       First Birthday Bedlam


It’s your very first birthday and you feel really grown up, intelligent and sophisticated. You have mastered the key words necessary for survival; ‘din-dins’, ‘yummies’, ‘yuck’, ‘need poo poo’ and ‘ooops, too late!”

This is an important pivotal point in your life. You are now able to make your own decisions about lifestyle and diet for you have found freedom and are capable of wobbling your way around the whole house. This gives you access to all sorts of goodies such as biscuit barrels and sweet jars. It also allows you to experiment with a vast array of other deliciously tempting items – like washing up liquid and shoe polish.


Breakfast: Rusks mashed in tepid milk – these taste disgusting but are excellent for blowing big, gooey, messy bubbles.

Morning Exercise: Open up all the great presents. Play for ages with the best one of all – the big red box! It makes a great space station. Pity that the box contained a train when you desperately wanted a Scalelectrix.

Pre-Snack Snack Take six Jaffa cakes, scrunch them up and mix them in with the cat food to give the cat a nice meal. Finish off the rest of the packet yourself.

Morning Snack: Porridge! You hate porridge at the best of times and you still have a nasty fishy taste left in your mouth from those Jaffas so you don’t feel very hungry. Tip the bowl onto the floor to let mum know that you’ve finished.

Exercise: While mum is busy cleaning the carpet take the chance to explore her handbag. Scrunch up those little pieces of paper with the funny £ signs on them and cover them with the smelly red liquid from the bright little bottles.

Party Dinner: Mum and dad have made masses of gorgeous food but sadly a large number of friends and relatives have unexpectedly turned up for some ‘party’ thing. While mum and dad keep them diverted by playing silly games eat as much of the food as possible.

Evening Exercise: Be sick everywhere!

Supper: You are famished but mum says that there is to be no supper because you ate far too much earlier. This is so stupid – has she forgotten that you puked it all up?


Why People Overeat


Boredom: Many people become bored eating the same bland junk food day after tedious day. Ironically this boredom causes them to eat even more bland junk food.

T.V. snacks: T.V. snacks are extremely unhealthy. In fact, eating any form of electrical appliance is best avoided.

Habit: It is very easy to get into the eating habit – you wake in the morning and have breakfast, round about midday you have lunch, in the evening you have dinner and before you go to bed you have supper. Fortunately the habit can easily be broken by eating dinner first thing in the morning, supper at midday, breakfast in the evening and lunch at bedtime.

Unhappiness:  Being overweight causes unhappiness.  Being unhappy cause you to comfort eat. Comfort eating causes you to become overweight.

It’s Today: Diets always start tomorrow so it’s always all right to eat today.

Stress:  During times of extreme worry and anxiety many people find it more convenient to indulge in unhealthy snacks than to commit suicide.

Social reasons: Business lunches, parties and entertaining guests are all perfectly acceptable excuses to eat till you flop.

Self Pity: When you are feeling sorry for yourself nothing boosts the ego more effectively than a huge slice of chocolate gateau.

Hunger: A pathetic excuse often given for eating. The true reason is always one of the above.


Day 712 – 1024                          The Toddler Diet


Few toddlers are overweight! They have accidentally discovered an excellent combination of nutritional food and healthy exercise.  In fact the diet and exercise routine performed by the average two year old may be the perfect Lifestyle Health Plan for everyone.


Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast cut into the shape of ‘soldiers’.  Using your fingers, check that the egg is properly hard-boiled. Wipe the gooey yolk onto your hair and push a little as far as possible into your ear. Suck on a soldier for several minutes until it becomes soft and yucky then spit it out all over dad. Smash egg with spoon until, finally, it flies across the room and hits the cat. Stuff all the other ‘soldiers’ into your mouth and swallow as much as possible before mum prises it all out to stop you choking.

Exercise: Rush around the room hitting everything with a yellow plastic hammer until you manage to break something valuable. Retreat to your bedroom so that your older brother gets the blame.

Morning Snack: Two highly nutritious wriggly worms – these supply some 40% of your daily vitamin requirements.

Exercise: Chase cat around and around and around the garden until you either catch her tail or you fall in a dizzy heap onto the grass.

Lunch: Gobble down half a packet of potato crisps – feed the rest to the cat. Take your glass of milk – have three sips, then spill the rest on the carpet. Devour four crayons – yellow taste best – these supply some 30% of the day’s protein requirements.

Exercise: Have a tantrum in the supermarket, kick, scream and cry until mum gives in and buys you the toy you desperately want but will be bored with before you get home.

Afternoon Snack: The tyres of two toy cars, a hairy spider found in the bath and some tasty gunge from down the side of a chair.

Exercise:  Play cars with your very best friend. Hit him repeatedly until you posses all the cars and your very best friend has none.

Dinner: A tin of beef stroganoff heated until it is disgustingly lukewarm. Mix the stroganoff in the bowl using both hands. Gradually increase the speed of mixing until stroganoff spins off in all directions covering wallpaper, carpet and cat. Rub hands across your face to make it look as if you have eaten it all.

Exercise: Deconstruct the massive Lego model dad spent hours building for you.

Bedtime snack: Chew on your favourite teddy for several hours until you fall asleep.


Food For Thought


The toughest part of being on a diet is not watching what you eat but watching what everyone else is eating.

The best way to lose weight is by skipping - skipping chocolate, skipping ice-cream, skipping donuts, skipping cakes . .

Dieters Paradigm: Nothing tastes as good as being fit feels!

The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.

Follow the motto: "A diet should be undertaken one day at a time – start tomorrow."

Diet: A short, agonising period of starvation preceding a weight gain of five pounds!

Frazzled by trying to cut out puddings? It’s not surprising. Desserts backwards spells stressed!!

Eating very slowly is an excellent dieting technique. By making breakfast last eighteen hours you can miss both lunch and dinner.  

The only advantage of exercising regularly is that you die healthier.

Chocolate is derived from cacao. It is really just a plant that has been processed and had a few things added. Surely something which is plant based can’t be bad for you?

Whenever I get the urge to exercise, I force myself to lie down until the horrid feeling passes.

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out - but I can usually sedate her with a few chocolate cakes.

You are never too old to get your body into shape. My father started walking five miles a day when he was 65. He's just turned 97 and I reckon that by now he must be some 60,000 miles away.

One of life's great mysteries is how a two-pound box of chocolate can make a woman gain five pounds.

The older you get, the harder it is to lose weight for by then your body and your fat have become really good friends.

Strange! If you hang something in your closet for a while it shrinks two sizes!

Why do we never get midnight urges to raid the fridge for fresh lettuce?

Actively avoid strenuous workouts – adopt the philosophy: no strain - no pain.


Days 4740 – 5008                         Puppy Love Panic


Puppy fat has mysteriously started to appear and your tummy and bum begin to expand. This is all the more disastrous because you have just started taking an interest in the opposite sex and have therefore become neurotic about your appearance. Everything you eat seems to go straight to your stomach, bum or those luminous, facial zits. Nevertheless, a sign of your increasing maturity is that you now endeavour to eat and exercise in a manner that will keep your body in peak condition.


Breakfast : Burger and coke.

Exercise: Brushing teeth ( alternate days only )

Lunch: Burger and coke.

Exercise: A twenty minutes snogging session behind the school sheds.

Dinner: Burger and coke.

Exercise: Walking from the school to the car – which mum has parked ten foot away from the school gate.

Supper: Burger and coke. 

Exercise: An extensive TVathon





Fat Calories

Do you ever wonder why you suddenly put on weight even though you haven’t changed your diet? The realisation hits you with shock horror when you discover that ‘special outfit’ you haven’t worn for a while no longer fits – somehow, mysteriously, you have put on several pounds. There is a simple yet little known explanation – Fat Calories! To stay the same weight you need to eat a certain number of calories each day – eat more and you put on weight – eat less and you lose weight. This, however, is all based on average, normal calories but just like humans calories are not all the same. Some calories can be very, very fat and, as far as your weight is concerned, eating one fat calorie is the equivalent of eating three normal calories. Even when you are calorie counting, if you are unfortunate enough to get a lot of fat calories in your food they will cause you to gain weight. So next time you get a shock at the scales don’t blame yourself – blame those pesky, fat calories.



Days 6574 - 6939                        Academia Abstention


Student days - the age of wisdom, discipline and reason. A time of important decisions which will shape your future career, life and happiness. A time for responsibility and self-control when you must make sacrifices to ensure that both mind and body are honed to perfection. This period lays the foundation for your future. It is thus a period of intense, disciplined study. A period of rigorous exercise and healthy living. Your future is being moulded today and you are the sculptor. 


Breakfast: The left over pizza from last night’s party

Lunch: A large bag of greasy chips and six pickled onions.

Dinner: Two bags of crisps and a Mars bar. ( you are on a student’s budget after all )

Evening Snack: 2 pints of beer, 3 vodkas, 6 tequilas, several peculiar cocktails and eight bags of nuts.   ( you are on a student’s budget after all )

Exercise: Dancing from 11 pm until 6 am



The Science of Dieting

Those who managed to stay awake during the science lessons at school will recall the 42nd Law of Thermodynamics. This states: “It takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water by 1 degree centigrade.”

The importance point to understand is that whenever we eat or drink anything that is below body temperature then the body must use up energy, thus calories, to heat it up to body temperature.

So one gram of fluid at around 0 degrees when drunk will gradually be heated to 37 degrees – this process will sap some 37 calories from the body.

For some foods and drinks, provided they are cold enough, the amount of calories lost can be more than the calories contained in the food or drink.

For example a glass of wine is 4 fluid ounces, about 112 grams. It will contain 80 calories and normally should be avoided. But by applying the 42nd Law of Thermodynamics we can easily incorporate it into a calorie controlled diet – provided the wine is well chilled prior to consumption.


The mathematics are:

To raise 4 fluid ounces of wine from 0 degrees to 37 degrees will take :

112 x 37 = 4144 calories

The wine contains 80 calories thus the net calorie loss = 4064 calories.

So a simple glass of wine with every meal will ensure that you need never put on weight!


Day 7205                                20th Birthday Blues and Bubbly


Another important stage in your life! For the very first time you are forced to admit to yourself that you are getting old. This is difficult and depressing but you must accept that you are absolutely, definitely, unquestionably, no longer a teenager. There is no turning back – you must take charge of your destiny and get your life and health in check.  This is a time for introspection and planning. No longer will you procrastinate – action begins now!


Breakfast: Champagne and Cake

Lunch:   Champagne and Cake

Dinner:  Champagne and Cake

Supper:  Champagne and Cake

Exercise: Not today – after all it is your birthday!



Laugh off the Flab

Under doctors orders Carol went on a strict diet. Her husband was very supportive and they agreed that they would both cut out all alcohol, biscuits, cheese, chocolates, crisps and cakes – in fact everything they enjoyed! They did have one problem – they loved to have a glass of wine and a tasty snack while watching television in the evening. But being determined they substituted a glass of water and fresh celery for their usual wine and nibble. All went well at first but Carol gradually grew weary of celery and longed for something tastier. One night while unenthusiastically munching on yet another stalk, a commercial caught her attention. As she watched longingly, a woman unwrapped a chocolate bar and with great pleasure began to suck it sensually.  When it was over, Carol turned to her husband. "Have you noticed," she moaned, " they never, ever advertise celery on TV?"


Joe was terribly overweight and as it was beginning to worry him he decided to seek advice.

“You must go on a very strict diet,” insisted his doctor. "I want you to eat only fruit and vegetables for two days, then skip a day,   -  repeat this procedure for three weeks. Come back then, and by that time I expect you will have lost at least five pounds."  

When he returned, the doctor was surprised that Joe had lost almost fifteen pounds.  

"That’s an amazing weight loss!" exclaimed the doctor, "Are you sure you follow my instructions?"  

“Yes” smiled Joe, feeling very pleased with himself,  "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on that third day."  

"From hunger, you mean?"  enquired the puzzled doctor.

"No” retorted Joe, “ from all of that jumping and skipping." 


A middle-aged man, in a desperate attempt to reduce his middle-age spread, went on a coconut and banana diet. For three months he ate nothing but coconuts and bananas and drank only water and coconut milk. Each day, breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks, it was exactly the same – bananas, coconuts or both! Unfortunately, at the end of the three months he hadn't lost any weight, but you should see him climb trees!


Soon after the new Donut Emporium opened in town Fred got into the bad habit of picking up coffee and a few donuts on his way to the office. These went straight to Fred’s waistline and gradually it became wider and wider. Eventually, after a lot of persuasion, he vowed to his work colleagues that he would give up the donut habit. However, the very next morning he arrived at the office with a bag containing six donuts. On being reprimanded by his work mates he gallantly defended his actions, “I intended to drive straight past the shop this morning but as I approached the warm, sweet smell wafted into the car and tempted me. So I prayed to God for help in my time of need – I said, ‘God, if you want me to buy donuts let their be a sign – let there be a parking space right outside the shop.” And sure enough, he continued smugly, “on the tenth time round the block there it was!”


The 29,931 Day Diet Plan


Days 9491 – 9498                       Post Christmas Panic


Christmas has past, the tree lies discarded in the back yard and already you have returned all those presents that were faulty, several sizes too small or just completely naff. The festivities and overindulgence conspire to ensure that all of your clothes are now far too tight. It’s time for drastic action! Fortunately the Christmas mags anticipated this predicament and were full of miracle diets. After great soul searching, and the assistance of a pin, you choose one which you know you can stick to – ‘The Cabbage Soup Diet.’ This is a seven-day diet that guarantees to trim you down by twenty pounds. It sounds fantastic, simple and so easy to follow – each day all you have to do is eat a bowl of Cabbage Soup and supplement it with either fruit or vegetables. The great thing is that you can eat as much fruit or vegetables as you want. And to make it even easier, on days five and six you are even allowed to eat beef! “This will be so simple,” you tell yourself, “even if I lose 10lb I’ve more than made up for all the Christmas binging.”



Saturday: It’s the day before your diet begins. You decide that to stop yourself being tempted it would be wise to throw out all proper food. Fortunately there is not much in the house – it’s just after Christmas after all. As you tackle the freezer you take great delight in binning those disgusting German sausages - they have an eat-by date of 1994 anyway. As you hate seeing good food wasted, and you know that you are going to be good for the next seven days, you decide to eat the twelve yoghurts (left over from a previous diet) now, have the steak pie (meant for six) with chips for lunch and the three pizzas and the tub of ice cream for dinner. Everything else will make a super, duper, supper. That night you feel proud of yourself as you survey the kitchen – full of healthy, bulge reducing food. Your moment of glory is only dampened by the fact that you are still famished.


Sunday : You decide to sleep most of the day so as to avoid being tempted by thoughts of food. Time and again you try to force yourself back to sleep but eventually the hunger pangs become overwhelming and you are forced to get up. You check the time on the bedside clock – 7 a.m. For breakfast you have a healthy, low fat, low pleasure, choice of apples, pears, grapes, oranges, lettuce, cucumber, tomato, carrots . . . you check to see if those German sausages are still in the bin but unfortunately they have turned bright green. You decide to make this an all fruit day. Fruit is much less vegetarian than vegetables so it’s easier to pretend you are eating normal food. After eating your tenth apple of the day however, the thought crosses your mind, “If Eve could tempt Adam with just an apple the Garden of Eden must have been a bloody dull place.”

At long last the day is over and you go to bed at 8p.m. Reflecting on the first day of your diet you consider that you’ve done rather well. You ate absolutely nothing you shouldn’t have – apart from those sausages! At least tomorrow will be easier with work to distract you from the evils of food.



You wake with a scream! Not just your normal Monday Morning scream. You wake with the scream specially reserved for Dieting Monday Mornings. You reach the kitchen and scream again – a burglar has stolen all your food and dumped fruit and vegetables everywhere! Gradually you remember that you threw out everything remotely edible. Nevertheless you check the cupboards just in case. You are starving and crave your morning bowl of reviving cornflakes. In desperation you cut a lettuce into flake size pieces, put them in a bowl, and cover them in milk. Disgusting! Throwing this concoction into the bin you heat up your day’s quota of soup. Soon you wish you hadn’t – it’s not that you mind having soup for breakfast, it’s just that you realise you have sixteen hours ahead and nothing to survive on but raw vegetables. Arriving at work you discover it’s a colleague’s birthday and that she has brought in an enormous cake. Just as you are about to decline a massive 30,000 calorie slice you remember the rule, ‘On a diet, celebration foods, such as birthday cakes do not count,’ and so you eat several pieces with a clear conscience. For the rest of the day you stick completely to your diet eating only six tomatoes, three carrots and a cucumber. Even the dinner you eat in the work’s canteen complies with the diet rules – cauliflower. The cheese sauce and chips, of course, don’t count as they came with the cauliflower. Overall you consider your first two diet days to have been very successful. But before you go to sleep you say a little prayer to thank God that you were not born as a caterpillar.



Another frantic search fails to uncover any breakfast cereal but you do find a box of vitamin pills. Taking a couple with your apple and grapefruit ‘excuse for a breakfast’ you feel so healthy that you decide to reward yourself with a few donuts on the way to work. The vitamins will of course cancel out the donuts. During the rest of the day you have a piece of fruit every half hour. As a result you need to dash to the toilet every twenty minutes. This must surely be a good sign – the more you expel the less there is left to turn into cellulite!  You are so delighted with how well you did during the day that in the evening you break open a bottle of wine. This is not really cheating – wine comes from grapes and this is your fruit day.



You awake on day four with a dark cloud of foreboding weighing down your spirits. During the night you had nightmares, or more probably hallucinations brought on by starvation. In these terrifying scenes you were chased naked though a supermarket by giant carrots. But most bizarre of all, you were incredibly skinny and the carrots were grossly fat and so unfit they had trouble chasing you. This put serious doubts in your mind about the whole diet and you seriously consider giving up. Only strong willpower keeps you on track – a huge breakfast fry-up at the work’s canteen lets you put the nightmare into perspective and allows you to bravely continue with the diet. On the way home from work you stop at the supermarket to buy beef for tomorrow. Horrible memories come flooding back and you know you couldn’t face chopping up carrots for dinner. Undaunted you decide to swap the days of the diet and have the beef today and the vegetables another day – there’s surely no harm in that!


The phone wakes you from a deep carrot free sleep. A good friend begs you to have dinner with her that evening – she has important news. Fortunately this is a beef day so you agree but promise yourself that you will stick strictly to beef and eat absolutely nothing else. During the day as you munch your way through an orchard of oranges, pears, apples, peaches, plums, grapes and mandarines you console yourself with the thought that in the evening you can break your fast with some tasty tender meat. When you meet your friend she is quite distraught and confides that she has just broken up with her boyfriend. You console her through all five courses of the meal – you of course comply with the diet by having beef for the main course, the rest does not count – this is an emergency.



Driving to work after a revolting breakfast salad it suddenly occurs to you that this was supposed to be a beef day had you not switched the days around. You have a distressing thought. What if it were important to eat meat on this penultimate day? What if the diet only works if you do so? Are you risking all that promised weight loss by not eating beef today? You resolve the dilemma in the work canteen at lunchtime by having a huge plate of fish and chips. Not only does that solve the problem but it helps you keep on track for the rest of the day and staunchly you eat nothing else but vegetables and four bowls of warming, comforting, weight reducing, but unfortunately cabbage, soup.



Yippeeeee!!!! You awake feeling great. Not only is it Saturday but your diet is almost over Yippeeeee!!!! A ‘breakfast’ consisting of four oranges, three apples and a pear later you feel anything but great! Only the thought of weighing yourself and discovering that you have lost more than 10 pounds keeps you from being physically sick. You resolve never, ever, ever to eat fruit or anything green again. An all day shopping spree helps suppress your constant desire to eat. You return home exhausted but with twelve super new outfits in a size smaller than usual. You resisted trying them on in the shop – tonight is celebration time and you are going to delight in your new size by modelling them all then. In fact you have bought a bottle of Champagne and a microwavable Sweet and Sour Chicken for after the ‘weigh-in’ planned for ten o’clock. Waiting for the moment to arrive is like waiting for New Year, you become more and more excited with every minute. “Aaaaarrgh!!!!” you shriek, “This can’t be right!!!! I’ve put on 2 pounds!!!!” Assuming the scales are broken you try the set in the bathroom. These are equally faulty and show the same weight. As the ultimate test you try on your new outfits. Suddenly the sad truth sinks in – the diet was a complete failure. You must have overdone the fruit and vegetables. Undaunted you cook the Sweet and Sour Chicken and crack open the Champagne. Now is a time for celebration and overindulgence, you shall forget all about dieting – at least for an hour.


The Work-Out


Don’t worry that you're always too busy working to take the exercise you need by swimming, jogging and playing squash! Many workplace activities burn up calories just as effectively. The following list shows how many calories you can burn per hour:


Beating about the bush               100

Being a good team player            335

Jumping to conclusions               220

Procrastinating                           99 

Moving the goal posts                  125

Thinking outside the box             234

Being proactive not reactive        640

Creative skiving                           65

Being customer focused              180

Passing the buck                          20

Really screwing up                       430

Playing Devil’s Advocate              925

Meeting impossible deadlines        860

Kissing  ass                                    220

Jumping on the bandwagon            210

Running around in circles               420 

Climbing the ladder of success       750

Pulling out all the stops                   375



Days 10,400 to 10,535                           Gym Slim 


Day 10,400

While sitting in the doctor’s waiting room flicking through an old health magazine an advert jumps out at you demanding your attention “Eat all you want and still lose weight!” “Wow!! I could do that,” you think to yourself, “I could eat seven course meals three times a day if it would give me a supermodel figure.” Further investigation reveals that the ad is actually for the SlenderEase Multi-Gym Model FE4.2. It reads, “you can bring the health club into your own home – having the SlenderEase Multi-Gym Model FE4.2 is like having your own personal trainer – 24 hours a day.” The exciting bit is that it has a calorie counter which tells you how many calories you have burnt off during a session. You imagine yourself using it before a big night out – burning off 5000 calories and being able to eat and drink anything you want. According to the advert it also has some other amazing benefits – it will give you, “More energy and a greater sense of well-being, sounder and more restful sleep, a stronger immune system with fewer colds and will alleviate stress-related conditions such as headaches, anxiety and depression.” You spot some small print at the bottom of the advert – the price - £2999! But you know you must have it – at any price!!! This is an investment in your health. This will change your life. No more diets. No more stress. Your own personal trainer twenty-four hours a day would cost a fortune so this is really a bargain. And no need for a doctor ever again . . . you tear the advert out of the magazine and leave the surgery.



Day 10,414

It’s two weeks since you ordered your Multi-Gym and you are excited that it has at last arrived. You are keen to put it to the test and get rid of the three pounds you have gained over the past two weeks. Climbing on the cycle section you begin to peddle. More accurately, you begin to push on the pedals but nothing happens. You panic for a moment then remember that the Multi-Gym has “eighty different resistance settings to accommodate people of all fitness levels.” Obviously it is set at the very top level. Three hours later, after checking through the instruction manual and making several embarrassing calls to the manufacturer’s service department you discover that it is actually set at the ‘Totally Unfit or Elderly’ position. In disgust you give up for today.



Day 10,421

It’s time to give the Multi-Gym, your ‘personal trainer’ another chance. This time you choose a simpler routine – the Lat Pulley. According to the instructions this will give you a fabulous flat tummy and a perfectly curved bottom. Strapping your feet in you begin to pull your legs back against the tension of the springs. This is not too bad! As you get into the rhythm of pulling back and forward you start to count and, to make the exercise less boring, imagine yourself lying on a golden beach. ‘One . . . two . . .’ the sun is beating down on your perfect tanned body, ‘three . . . four . . . five’ you look stunning in the skimpiest of skimpy bikinis ‘six . . . seven . . . eight . . .’ people walking by stop and stare at your fabulous flat tummy and perfectly curved bottom. ‘nine . . . ten . . . eleven . . .’ a gorgeous hunk of a guy spots you across the beach and walks towards you ‘twelve . . . thirteen . . . fourteen . . . . . ooohh . . . oocch . . . aaaaargggh!!!’ Your feet slip out the strap and you do a backward flip and land in a heap amidst bars, belts and pulleys. You are in such agony that you have to call the doctor. He confirms that you have pulled a ligament and straps up your right leg. It’s ironic – the multi-gym promised to make you fitter and healthier – now you are confined to bed!

Day 10,445

Tonight you have a big party. You also have a big problem. The last few weeks of inactivity and comfort eating, mean that you are too big to fit into any of your party dresses! Only drastic action will save the day. Your leg has recovered enough to allow another attempt on the multi-gym. This time you will use the treadmill – a short time on that and you will fit into any dress you wish. Adjusting the pace to a comfortable level you start to walk and walk and walk and walk . . . . This is dreadfully boring but you comfort yourself with the knowledge that the pounds and inches are dropping off. When you feel you have walked a million miles you check the calorie-counter to see how many calories you have burnt off. You are shocked at how few and a quick mental calculation tells you that to burn off enough fat to fit into any of your dresses would require that you keep walking for another 18 days, 4 hours and 3 minutes. Kicking the Multi-Gym with your good leg you head for the mall to buy a party dress in a bigger size.



Day 10,535 

The multi-gym, your ‘personal trainer’, the £2999 contraption which would allow you to “Eat all you want and still lose weight!” has sat in your bedroom totally unused for the last three months. Each time you see it you get twinges in your leg, bum, tummy and credit card. It’s got to go!! An ad in the local paper brings a prospective buyer. She is young, athletic and unnaturally slim – you take an instant dislike to her. What’s worse, she looks you up and down then asks knowingly with a sneer why you are selling it. You assure her, in the haughtiest voice you can muster, that you are selling this old one because you are upgrading to the very latest model. After giving it a thorough examination she offers a mocking, miserable, insulting, derisory £200. You accept. That evening you celebrate with a meal out with friends. You feel much better now that you are free of the burden of that awful multi-gym. Now you can get back onto a proper diet and lose all the weight you have gained over the last four months – but that’s for tomorrow – tonight is reserved for fun!!!


Calorie Calculator


The number of calories your body extracts from the things you eat and drink varies greatly – largely depending on your mood at the time of indulging. An emotion such as anger can make the body more efficient at extracting calories from some foods and less efficient with others. The table below shows some typical examples:-


                                     Normal               Upset                Angry              Furious          Jealous

Apple                              55                            102                          194                          291                          88   

Carrot Cake                    640                          44                            21                            38                            55

Chocolate                        425                          18                            16                            9                              3                           

Cola                      150                          0                              12                            23                            36

Cola – Diet              0                              20                            15                            32                            88

Ice Cream               210                          4                              28                            17                            12

Lettuce                  28                            81                            77                            93                            127

Sirloin steak             740                          82                            104                          69                            37

Lemon Meringue Pie        350                          22                            60                            45                            78




Days 14582 to 14610                       Oh No Not 40! - Diet Plan


In just four weeks time you will be forty. Forty! Four – Ooooooh!! This can’t be true! There must be a mistake on your birth certificate. You still feel twenty – the dress you wore to the prom still hangs at the back of your wardrobe. But sadly it’s true, middle-age is about to arrive, complete with wrinkles, high blood pressure, grey hair, high cholesterol and worse of all, middle-age spread to add even more cellulite to your legs, tum and bum. You need to fight back – the battle of the bulge has begun in earnest. From now on burgers, pizzas, take-aways, and fry-ups are a thing of the past. From now on all foods will be healthy, salt free, fat free and home made. By your 40th birthday you intend to have your BP and cholesterol under control and be able to fit into that prom dress. In an act of confirmation to prove that you are deadly serious you buy the book, ‘Food is Good.’ This tells you which foods you must eat to lower your cholesterol and BP levels and lose excess weight – asparagus, grapefruit, porridge oats, celery, garlic, broccoli, olives, onions, fresh fish, seaweed, pomegranates, lemons . . . . all the things you hate seem to be good for you and all the things you love to eat are bad for you.


Week 1

You are full of enthusiasm and for the first time you can recall a trip to the supermarket is actually fun as you fill your trolley full of life giving foods. You look with disdain at other shoppers’ trolleys filled to the brim with instant meals, cakes and ice cream. Your own is a colourful array of healing organic vegetables, herbs, spices, fruits, nuts and berries. You feel proud of yourself – at least until the checkout girl gives you a look that shows she thinks you are some kind of  freak. You experiment with some exciting new recipes: Seaweed and Asparagus in a Strawberry sauce, Olive and Garlic Risotto and Broccoli and Pomegranate Mimosa with field mushrooms. These all look wonderful – in fact you are so proud of them you even take photographs. It’s such a pity that they taste vile, make you even hungrier and cause you the most embarrassing flatulence.


Week 2

Hunger forces you to rethink your plan. To save time preparing all those homemade meals, and to compensate for the food deprivation you suffered last week, you go back to your usual instant cuisine. But, in order to continue to benefit from all the ‘health improving’ ingredients you add heaps of garlic, onion and olives to everything. This has unfortunate side effects – bad breath, body odour and constant flatulence. As a result nobody will come within fifty yards of you.


Week 3

Another desperate read at ‘Food is Good’ provides you with a satisfactory solution which allows you to return to proper food without losing the benefits of achieving low BP and cholesterol levels – wine.  Apparently red wine actually reduces your blood pressure so from now on you have a glass with lunch and dinner – this will counteract whatever you eat.


Week 4

You have arranged a visit to the doctor for the end of the week and are beginning to worry that he will discover that your BP has risen even further. To help get it down fast you start drinking a bottle of red wine each day. This overindulgence, although very pleasant at the time, causes headaches which stop you from going to work. But you are doing this for the good of your health so bravely you persevere until the end of the week. Bad news. Your blood pressure and cholesterol levels are higher than they ever were and you leave the doctor with a diet plan that he insists you follow. But it will have to wait – it’s your 40th birthday tomorrow and you only turn 40 once.

Radical Diet Cuisine


Successful dieting is often a matter of what you don’t eat rather than what you do eat. The following foods are chosen especially as hunger suppressants. They can be included in your diet in huge quantities for it is quite certain that you will find them completely, revoltingly unpalatable.


Banana Worm Bread


1/2 cup vegetable shortening

3/4 cup sugar

2 bananas

2 cups flour

1 teaspoon soda

1 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup chopped nuts

2 eggs

1/4 cup dry-roasted army worms


Mash the bananas and mix in all other ingredients. Bake in a greased loaf tin at 350 degrees for about 1 hour.


Insect Crunch

1/2 cup butter

1/2 cup honey

Large Bowl of Popcorn

1 cup roasted insects (crickets, grasshoppers, bees, ants, etc...)


Slowly heat butter and honey stirring well. Mix the insects with the popcorn and pour in the butter and honey mixture and stirring constantly. Spread this out on a baking tray and bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes. Cut onto small pieces and serve.


Food to Die for!

Try a few weeks of eating nothing else but the Japanese delicacy fugu – it may not reduce your weight but, should you survive, you will be so relieved to be alive that you will forget about any weight problem you thought you had.


Fugu is a blowfish that contains, tetrodotoxin, a poison so deadly only licensed chefs are allowed to prepare this dish. It is slightly sweet and perfectly tender making fugu sashimi (slices of raw fish) the most popular recipe for blowfish. Fugu stew, fried fugu, and fugu zosui (rice porridge) will also delight the palate. But even with tight regulation about two people every week die a horribly painful death from wrongly prepared Fugu. This gave rise to an old Japanese folk song which says,
"Fugu wa kuitashii, inochi wa oshishii" or "I want to eat fugu, but I don't want to die."


Cheesy Snack

If you are in the habit of frequently snacking on cheese here is a simple method of reducing your intake – replace all the cheese in your refrigerator with the fabulous Sardinian delicacy Maggot Cheese.

To make this little treat take some ordinary cheese, cover it with a cloth and leave it in the open until flies lay their eggs on it. These will hatch into maggots that will feast of the cheese. When the cheese is alive with maggots spread it onto bread and eat it complete with the live maggots. If this does not stop your cheesy habit it will at least give you a more balanced diet of meaty maggots and cheese. Enjoy!!






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